P[robaby the first author I began corresponding with, 25+ years ago; I was subscribed to hios e-list of humorous essay/stories he'd write on occasion.

The below has inspired a tv sitcom originally starring John Ritter (but he
died during first episode's production)

This is one of Bruce's best of his short essays!

Hope you enjoy it as much as I have:

The 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father,
who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like
it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate:
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you
on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies
with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me
attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory.
I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud!
And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked
into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought
writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink
washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to
run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple
rules? Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com
This essay is the basis for the book of the same name, which is available
from Workman Press.

I live & work on the ancestral, traditional, and unceded territory of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam) peoples





Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

The 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

It reminds me of the song by Rodney Atkins "Still Cleaning This Gun". <G>

Daryl

... All marriage is same sex: the same sex over and over again.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
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George,

The 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

It reminds me of the song by Rodney Atkins "Still Cleaning This Gun".

Don't know that one, but I can appreciate the sentiment, even though never having had a teenaged daughter (luckily for the lads in my town!)

I mean, she'd have my genetics so she'd be good looking for sure &, being a man, I know whgat those boys/young men are thinking/wanting, & NO!!!!

I wouldn't control her choices freedom, but I'd definitely clear out the
worst ones on her behalf.

My adult step-dauyghter, if ever she hgets interestedf & finds someone
likewise interested back will run it by her mom & me, as she's smart enough
to know we have experience & perspective she doesn't & we love her.

One guy, also French-Canadian was interested, but on meeting my wife, he(she said) used disrespectful language, in French, sort of saying "hey, you!" instead of "good morning, Mrs. Pope, nice to meet you."

I'm not aware of how that would present for someone outside of Quebec, but my wife said it was clearly an insolent attitude; my daughter overheard & that wqas the end of him! Ghosted into obscurity. . .

First dates are always fun to recall (usually)

It was mine and my wife's 25th wedding anniversary the other day and she said to me "Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me"...

I said "Its a scarf"...
-=-
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday
school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked
if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have
a good time.'"
-=-
I always ask a funny question on first dates.
"Are you a serial killer? "

Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.
-=-
[First date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m working on eliminating all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Next, I’ll move on to Capricorns.
-=-
On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish. Turns out she was just being Koi.

aaaand. . .scene!
[Fade to Black]

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

I mean, she'd have my genetics so she'd be good looking for sure &,
being a man, I know whgat those boys/young men are thinking/wanting, & NO!!!!

The one thing on their minds..."that teenage boy I used to be". :P

I wouldn't control her choices freedom, but I'd definitely clear out
the worst ones on her behalf.

You have to...and it's for their own good.

My adult step-dauyghter, if ever she hgets interestedf & finds someone likewise interested back will run it by her mom & me, as she's smart enough to know we have experience & perspective she doesn't & we love
her.

It's true that "true love waits".

I'm not aware of how that would present for someone outside of Quebec,
but my wife said it was clearly an insolent attitude; my daughter overheard & that wqas the end of him! Ghosted into obscurity. . .

Or in one of the rules to date my daughter: "If you make her cry, I
will make you cry". <G>

First dates are always fun to recall (usually)

Mine was taking a fellow student from the high school choir to the
year end banquet at the Hialeah-Miami Lakes Country Club (they're
neighboring communities). While we feasted on London Broil and all
the trimmings, she said "her family ended up ordering out for pizza". <G>

But, since neither of us had a learners permit (restricted drivers
license), my parents provided the transportation. The fund raiser for
the choir was selling M&M candies...with money from my paper route,
I bought a lot of them for myself...I ended up selling the most. <BG>

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink
with dinner.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke
to have a good time.'"

Love it!! <ROFL!!>

I always ask a funny question on first dates.
"Are you a serial killer? "

Only if you'll let me destroy this bowl for breakfast.

Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.

[First date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I'm working on eliminating all cancers.

Her: Wow! That's impressive!

Him: Next, I'll move on to Capricorns.

LOL!! No pressure!! <BG>

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish. Turns out she was just being Koi.

I'd be like the groundlings in Shakespeare's day, and throw tomatoes at you...but I hate to waste something that should be on a sandwich or in a
salad. <G>

Daryl

... BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
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George,

I mean, she'd have my genetics so she'd be good looking for sure &, being a man, I know what those boys/young men are thinking/wanting, & NO!!!!

The one thing on their minds..."that teenage boy I used to be". :P

You remember, too, eh? :D O well. . . now I'm just sad at the state of
things today, for both sides of the gender divide. . .

I wouldn't control her choices freedom, but I'd definitely clear out the worst ones on her behalf.

You have to...and it's for their own good.

Of course! Parental love is like that. . .

Of course, I've always considered myself a defender of any woman, not just family. . .

Sdadly things are wack now. An old Catholic friend/mentor of mine saw & heard boys cussing loudly in front of girls. He talked to the louder one & said, "It's not polite to swear in front of young ladies, you know."

The one teen girl got in his face & started cussing him out for saying that!

He grew up in the '50s, when you at least tried to respect the sweeter sex. .
. (& elders, & government leaders, & cops, & teachers)

Now all bets are off. . . I was a disrespectful little turd in my preteens & early teens, but I grew up - so many out there haven't. . *sigh*

Now I'm the old curmudgeon, at only 54! *LOL* Oh well, I stand by my principles, & if you don't ike these principles, I've got others. . .

I don't have these gender issue battles that so may complain about. I put the toilet seat & lid down after every use & so does my wife. This way everyone lifts once & everyone drops once. . .

& we don't fight over money; I earn money to the best of my ability & sgive
it to her first to pay bills & spend as she sees fit; if there;'s some leftover, I might take some money forcash on hand for snacks, coffee, impulse buys. . . I used to play poker weekly , cost $2/week, but I was averaging a
net profit of over $1,500/year(i.e. $100 invested gained ~$1,600), so it was worth it! That got shut down cuz of covid, of course, so now we just play for points & bragging rights in a weekly club tournamemt we created on PokerStars.net

The only reason I work is to take care of my wife & kids -- if I were single, I'd be happy with a tiny room, & enough to eat reasonably, & some dating
money, because I love the company of the Beautiful Sex when I eat.

We divided up chores easily enough. I can't do certain things like dishes, so they do those. Can't do laundry either & in this non-accessible unit, can't much cook, but her offer was if I provide the stuff she wants for the
kitchen, laundry, & preferred diapers, she'll happily take care of those chores. . . SOLD!

We both hate shopping, so I made one of my wedding gifts that I'd do the grocery & clothes shopping.

She likes shopping online, so she does, & I'm all for it!

Whatever her hobbies, I say go for it, & earn extra money if needed. . .

I don't get why so many marriages end in divorce -- it's easy to keep it
going if you love each other & if you don't, what business getting married in the first place? (we were old enough to have figured that out)

Our modeling actual love was catching, as our kids are the same -- loving family unconditionally, helping others in need when possible. . .

My son, when 3 adopted a local homeless man & ensured every turkey meal there was a large(double) meal set aside for 'Cowboy' that one of us delivered to
him at his panhandling spot.

This I tell everyone; just love!

There'll never be a true war of the sexes, as there's too much fraternizing with the enemy!

Women's tee-shirt slogans (some cheekier than others)

I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is ...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

& for men:
Battered women? & all this time I've been eating them raw!


Puns cuz. . puns!

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

I was dating a communist recently
It was a horrible relationship, all the red flags were there.

My ex wife has started dating an Italian bricklayer.
She said, "It's cement to be...."

I'm starting a new dating service in Prague.
It's called Czech-Mate

What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.

I started up a dating site for chickens, but it's not my main job, I'm just doing it…
…to make hens meet.

Tired of online dating? You're not alone.
Oh, wait! Yes you are, that's why you are online dating.
[I know, I know, kinda cruel to our main demographic here]

I might be dating myself by admitting this...
but since the 80s, I've only gone to the movies alone.

My adult step-dauyghter, if ever she hgets interestedf & finds

someone

likewise interested back will run it by her mom & me, as she's smart enough to know we have experience & perspective she doesn't & we love her.

It's true that "true love waits".

I'm not aware of how that would present for someone outside of

Quebec,

but my wife said it was clearly an insolent attitude; my daughter overheard & that wqas the end of him! Ghosted into obscurity. . .

Or in one of the rules to date my daughter: "If you make her cry, I
will make you cry". <G>

First dates are always fun to recall (usually)

Mine was taking a fellow student from the high school choir to the
year end banquet at the Hialeah-Miami Lakes Country Club (they're neighboring communities). While we feasted on London Broil and all
the trimmings, she said "her family ended up ordering out for pizza". <G>

But, since neither of us had a learners permit (restricted drivers license), my parents provided the transportation. The fund raiser for
the choir was selling M&M candies...with money from my paper route,
I bought a lot of them for myself...I ended up selling the most. <BG>

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my

Sunday

school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose,

he

asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.'"

Love it!! <ROFL!!>

I always ask a funny question on first dates.
"Are you a serial killer? "

Only if you'll let me destroy this bowl for breakfast.

Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.

[First date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I'm working on eliminating all cancers.

Her: Wow! That's impressive!

Him: Next, I'll move on to Capricorns.

LOL!! No pressure!! <BG>

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like

a

fish. Turns out she was just being Koi.

I'd be like the groundlings in Shakespeare's day, and throw tomatoes at you...but I hate to waste something that should be on a sandwich or in a salad. <G>

Daryl

... BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

The one thing on their minds..."that teenage boy I used to be". :P

You remember, too, eh? :D O well. . . now I'm just sad at the state
of things today, for both sides of the gender divide. . .

I was born a male (no choice in that), but I'm a GENTLEMAN by choice.

Of course! Parental love is like that. . .

They think you're restricting them...that they know everything. Then, they get out in the world, grow older, and realized that their parents were right.

The one teen girl got in his face & started cussing him out for saying that!

Forty-five years ago, I was riding the school bus, and the kids wanted to
be late for school. So, they put a board chock full of nails, spikes, etc., under the right front tire. They figured if they got a flat tire, they'd be
2 hours or more late for school.

Well "The Still Small Voice of The Lord" told me to look under the tire
(I was usually the last one to board the bus, anyway), and I removed it, putting it in the nearby trash pile, nails down, so someone wouldn't step
on it, and puncture their foot, and get hepatitis. The girls yelled "Daryl sucks possum pussy!!"...you can imagine what they're saying today.

He grew up in the '50s, when you at least tried to respect the sweeter sex. . . (& elders, & government leaders, & cops, & teachers)

I was raised that way as well.

Now all bets are off. . . I was a disrespectful little turd in my
preteens & early teens, but I grew up - so many out there haven't. . *sigh*

On the ham radio traffic nets that I do, I address the men as "sir", and
the women as "Ma'am". When asked why, I said "Respect. If I give it, I know they'll return it".

Now I'm the old curmudgeon, at only 54! *LOL* Oh well, I stand by my principles, & if you don't ike these principles, I've got others. . .

I'm 61, but compared to some folks, we're still puppies. But, I dare say
we are both weaned and toilet trained. <G> I think of the meme where Daddy
is trying to feed his son from the milk bottle...but Junior wants the fresh variety...from Momma's breasts. Weren't we talking about this the other day?? Or was this in another echo, and from someone else??

I don't have these gender issue battles that so may complain about. I
put the toilet seat & lid down after every use & so does my wife. This way everyone lifts once & everyone drops once. . .

Good for you.

& we don't fight over money; I earn money to the best of my ability & sgive it to her first to pay bills & spend as she sees fit; if there;'s some leftover, I might take some money forcash on hand for snacks,
coffee, impulse buys. . . I used to play poker weekly , cost $2/week,
but I was averaging a net profit of over $1,500/year(i.e. $100 invested gained ~$1,600), so it was worth it! That got shut down cuz of covid,
of course, so now we just play for points & bragging rights in a weekly club tournamemt we created on PokerStars.net

What card and other games I play are on the BBS. One time, I went from
Little Rock to St. Louis, to use up some flight miles on Southwest Airlines.
I took their Metrolink light rail to East St. Louis, and walked down to the Delta Queen cruise ship, permanently moored on the Illinois side of the Mississippi River. I went in, spent $1 in the casino, but hit the jackpot
on a $4 all you can eat breakfast buffet.

The only reason I work is to take care of my wife & kids -- if I were single, I'd be happy with a tiny room, & enough to eat reasonably, &
some dating money, because I love the company of the Beautiful Sex when
I eat.

I did that when my wife and I were married...but she didn't want kids... noting "they wouldn't spay me, so he volunteered to get neutered". But,
after severe chicken pox 41 years ago that nearly went into encephalitis
(I was hospitalized for a week, and quarantined at home for 2 months),
then working around and absorbing nasty solvents in silkscreen printing
for nearly 20 years, I felt it was better "I get my wings clipped". We
told folks that "We have a son...a dachshund"...who was truly an S.O.B.;
and he acted like one, too!! <G>

One day, we were otherwise "intimately occupied" on the Futon, and the dachshund was in his bed next to it. All of a sudden, this horrible stench permeated our nostrils...the dog had dropped an SBD methane fart bomb!! I started gagging, and my wife was laughing uncontrollably...saying "You know he's down there, going 'Hee hee hee!! Ignore my @$$, will you??!!". So, any love making went out the window and down the toilet. I had to get dressed,
and take the fur head out for a walk. <G>

We divided up chores easily enough. I can't do certain things like
dishes, so they do those. Can't do laundry either & in this non-accessible unit, can't much cook, but her offer was if I provide
the stuff she wants for the kitchen, laundry, & preferred diapers,
she'll happily take care of those chores. . . SOLD!

Just like the song done by John Michael Montgomery...and the female in
that video is a cute one. :)

Whatever her hobbies, I say go for it, & earn extra money if needed. .
.

Janice was actively engaged in all my hobbies, especially the BBS. But,
in the doorgames, while she was a great winner, she was a sore loser. <G>
Yet, even with her poor eyesight, she found typos that I missed!!

I don't get why so many marriages end in divorce -- it's easy to keep
it going if you love each other & if you don't, what business getting married in the first place? (we were old enough to have figured that
out)

Janice also noted "You can't be stolen, if you don't want to be stolen".
Like the country song noted "I've got all the love a man could want, waiting for me at home".

Women's tee-shirt slogans (some cheekier than others)

I worked in silkscreen printing for 20 years...and am always looking for funny shirts.

I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.

Like the shirt that had an ocelot on it. The ocelot looked like it had
been sucking on bitter persimmons. It noted "I have PMS and a handgun.
Any questions??".

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I saw a meme where the car license plate said PMS 666 -- the guy lamented "this woman just cut me off in traffic...but I'm afraid to honk the horn at her".

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

It would seem so.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

Sarcastic remark coming in 3....2....1....

I hate everybody, and you're next.

I hate Cancer...I'm going after the Capricorn's next.

Please don't make me kill you.

Who would enjoy it more??

And your point is ...

Trying to argue with a woman, is like trying to win an argument with lightning...you'll get zapped either way.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

The Weather Is Here...Wish You Were Beautiful.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

There was a song years ago called "Attitude Adjustment". So many nowadays need them (especially the snotty disrespectful kids).

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Like the guy complementing his wife at the Sunday dinner at home, with several folks there from the church. The thing is, he can never remember
her name.

& for men:

Battered women? & all this time I've been eating them raw!

<BLEAH!!>

Puns cuz. . puns!

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were
first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her
parents’ house...

Wow!!

I was dating a communist recently
It was a horrible relationship, all the red flags were there.

I would say so...they were Russian to air their dirty laundry.

My ex wife has started dating an Italian bricklayer.
She said, "It's cement to be...."

There was the concrete evidence of it.

I'm starting a new dating service in Prague.
It's called Czech-Mate

Only if the Czech is in the Male.

What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.

I don't want to know about the Oedipus. :P

I started up a dating site for chickens, but it's not my main job, I'm just doing it…
…to make hens meet.

You want to get laid?? Crawl up a chicken's butt, and wait. :P

Tired of online dating? You're not alone.
Oh, wait! Yes you are, that's why you are online dating.
[I know, I know, kinda cruel to our main demographic here]

I do online dating...the date of when I posted this message is in the
header. <G>

I might be dating myself by admitting this...
but since the 80s, I've only gone to the movies alone.

Well, you take yourself to the movies...or to the ballgame.

Daryl

... "A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I was born a male (no choice in that), but I'm a GENTLEMAN by choice.

I'm quite content being a man, & I, too, choose being a gentleman.

Forty-five years ago, I was riding the school bus, and the kids wanted

to

be late for school. So, they put a board chock full of nails, spikes,

etc.,

under the right front tire. They figured if they got a flat tire, they'd

be

2 hours or more late for school.

Well "The Still Small Voice of The Lord" told me to look under the tire
(I was usually the last one to board the bus, anyway), and I removed it, putting it in the nearby trash pile, nails down, so someone wouldn't step
on it, and puncture their foot, and get hepatitis. The girls yelled "Daryl sucks possum pussy!!"...you can imagine what they're saying today.

Any t imesomeone hit me with such a weird random insult, I trierd to flip it back like:

"You always look like you live it so much, I had to try it; what's the
matter, honey, did I take your last one?"
OR, if I really want to slam the brakes on it:
"I didn't know your nickname was possum!"
OR, keeping it simple:
"I swear, I thought it was chicken"

He grew up in the '50s, when you at least tried to respect the

sweeter

sex. . . (& elders, & government leaders, & cops, & teachers)

I was raised that way as well.

My dad was always respectful to my mom & to us. One thing I'm most grateful
for is never having heard the Lord's Name misused (as a swear word) in my childhood home.

On the ham radio traffic nets that I do, I address the men as "sir", and the women as "Ma'am". When asked why, I said "Respect. If I give it, I

know

they'll return it".

That's not always true, but you gottsa be you & do what's right regardless,
eh?

I do love how it's a US South thing to always address all people with Sir or Maam. I use it, even though I never grew up with it as a background.

Problem is these old women who are in denial who say, "Maam? I'm too young
for Maam!"; I don't reply, "I'm sorry, Maam, but there's nothing older than Maam for a term." nor, "Sorry, Maam, just because you started making babies
at age 12 doesn't mean you're young forever, Maam!"; I get to think them, though!

Now I'm the old curmudgeon, at only 54! *LOL* Oh well, I stand by my principles, & if you don't ike these principles, I've got others. . .

I'm 61, but compared to some folks, we're still puppies. But, I dare say we are both weaned and toilet trained. <G> I think of the meme where Daddy is trying to feed his son from the milk bottle...but Junior wants the

fresh

variety...from Momma's breasts. Weren't we talking about this the other day?? Or was this in another echo, and from someone else??

Not me; you know it -- we picked up the key lessons & run with them. . .

Most of my frioends from age 6 onward, til now were 20+ years older than me.
My peer group had no lived experience worth learning from! I was an avid resder, so I traveled the world, having new adventures daily. . .

What card and other games I play are on the BBS. One time, I went from Little Rock to St. Louis, to use up some flight miles on Southwest

Airlines.

I took their Metrolink light rail to East St. Louis, and walked down to

the

Delta Queen cruise ship, permanently moored on the Illinois side of the Mississippi River. I went in, spent $1 in the casino, but hit the jackpot
on a $4 all you can eat breakfast buffet.

That how Jon Pinette does it, he said, back when he was alive & performing
some of the best clean standup you've ever heard. . .

I did that when my wife and I were married...but she didn't want kids... noting "they wouldn't spay me, so he volunteered to get neutered". But, after severe chicken pox 41 years ago that nearly went into encephalitis
(I was hospitalized for a week, and quarantined at home for 2 months),
then working around and absorbing nasty solvents in silkscreen printing
for nearly 20 years, I felt it was better "I get my wings clipped". We
told folks that "We have a son...a dachshund"...who was truly an S.O.B.;
and he acted like one, too!! <G>

They key is to be on the saame page ("not be be unevenly yoked").

Opposites attract; I'm a guy, she's a gal - that's all the oposite we need in our marriage!

One day, we were otherwise "intimately occupied" on the Futon, and the dachshund was in his bed next to it. All of a sudden, this horrible stench permeated our nostrils...the dog had dropped an SBD methane fart bomb!! I started gagging, and my wife was laughing uncontrollably...saying "You

know

he's down there, going 'Hee hee hee!! Ignore my @$$, will you??!!". So,

any

love making went out the window and down the toilet. I had to get dressed, and take the fur head out for a walk. <G>

Gotta love our little fur babies. .oh, yeah a canine "cry for help from a
turd in trouble" cannot be ignored, no matter what'd you might rather be
doing.

We divided up chores easily enough. I can't do certain things like dishes, so they do those. Can't do laundry either & in this non-accessible unit, can't much cook, but her offer was if I provide the stuff she wants for the kitchen, laundry, & preferred diapers, she'll happily take care of those chores. . . SOLD!

Just like the song done by John Michael Montgomery...and the female in that video is a cute one. :)

Don't know this reference. ?

Janice was actively engaged in all my hobbies, especially the BBS. But,
in the doorgames, while she was a great winner, she was a sore loser. <G> Yet, even with her poor eyesight, she found typos that I missed!!

My wife & I are evenly matched enough in Scrabble & Trivia (our fave competitive games) & neither worries whomever wins or loses. . .

She's got the bad eyes, too, &, like yours, catches my typoes & insists I fix them (normally, if informal, & they can be deciphered by most, I leave them,
as I think it's cheating to go back & change what I've 'said.'

Janice also noted "You can't be stolen, if you don't want to be stolen". Like the country song noted "I've got all the love a man could want,

waiting

for me at home".

She made a god point. No brteakup ois one person's fault.

Yes, cheating is prettyy ultimate, but one might wonder WHY did the other
feel the need to?

Still wrong, of course; I gave my word & I keep my word. Period.

Battered women? & all this time I've been eating them raw!

<BLEAH!!>

Worse tha possums?

I was dating a communist recently
It was a horrible relationship, all the red flags were there.

I would say so...they were Russian to air their dirty laundry.

3 people at a port-a-potty. One inside, one leaving, one heading towards it' what are their nationalities?

Inside: European
going towards: Russian
Leaving: Finnish.

I might be dating myself by admitting this...
but since the 80s, I've only gone to the movies alone.

Well, you take yourself to the movies...or to the ballgame.

Not me -- no inrterest in going to those; if I et free tix, as I do occasionally, I might grab a mate & go to a game (usually best seats, like
50yd line, bottom tier, for football)

Q: Why was Cinderella terrible at football?
A: Because she kept running away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin!

Did you hear about the octopus that played football?
He had ten-tackles!

True story, I learned this week, the Super Bowl is named for the bouncy
rubber ball (super ball) we had as a kid!

Q: Why is it always so drafty in football stadiums?
A: Because of all the fans. (yes, this was written pre-covid & outside of {stadium of most hated team})

Q: What would William Perry’s nickname be, if he played for the LV Raiders?
A: Fridgerator Raider

Ok, they canb't get worse rhan that, so I'll stop here. . . :D

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

My dad was always respectful to my mom & to us. One thing I'm most grateful for is never having heard the Lord's Name misused (as a swear word) in my childhood home.

You were blessed in that regard.

Gotta love our little fur babies. .oh, yeah a canine "cry for help from
a turd in trouble" cannot be ignored, no matter what'd you might rather
be doing.

At least we don't go around sniffing each others butts...literally, anyway.

Just like the song done by John Michael Montgomery...and the female in that video is a cute one. :)

Don't know this reference. ?

Search on YouTube for "John Michael Montgomery" and "SOLD".

My wife & I are evenly matched enough in Scrabble & Trivia (our fave competitive games) & neither worries whomever wins or loses. . .

The late Nancy Backus was very good with word games, Scrabble and otherwise. My late wife, Janice, was very good with trivia.

Worse than possums?

I saw a license plate that noted "Eat More Possum". :P

3 people at a port-a-potty. One inside, one leaving, one heading
towards it' what are their nationalities?

Inside: European
going towards: Russian
Leaving: Finnish.

That's about it.

Q: Why was Cinderella terrible at football?
A: Because she kept running away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin!

I loved the spoonerism the late Archie Campbell did on Rindercella,
and The Pee Thrittle Igs. Between Rindercella slopping her dripper,
and the wolf "hoed her blouse down", that was a riot listening to those.

Did you hear about the octopus that played football?
He had ten-tackles!

They were awfully blue afterwards.

And, when the chickens stop laying eggs, they're in Henopause.

Daryl

... Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

George,

My dad was always respectful to my mom & to us. One thing I'm most grateful for is never having heard the Lord's Name misused (as a

swear

word) in my childhood home.

You were blessed in that regard.

You know it! It's so jarring to hear how casual people are in saying those names/titles as curse words. . . how RUDE!!!

Gotta love our little fur babies. .oh, yeah a canine "cry for help

from

a turd in trouble" cannot be ignored, no matter what'd you might

rather

be doing.

At least we don't go around sniffing each others butts...literally, anyway.

Most of us don't! Always a weirdo or two out there. . .

Worst part about being in a wheelchar is I always knw wgich people in the
front of the bus doesn't practice good nether hygiene (*retch*)

Just like the song done by John Michael Montgomery...and the female

in

that video is a cute one. :)

Don't know this reference. ?

Search on YouTube for "John Michael Montgomery" and "SOLD".

Yup, she's cute. I've heard the song, but not seen the video before. . .

I like cute country, like the one about "Don't Take the Girl" with the twist ending that gives you a smile & a slightly swolled heart.

> And, when the chickens stop laying eggs, they're in Henopause.

Discovered a friend of m ine was vegetarian -- I was curious as to the
limits, so I asked if he eats eggs, fish, or cheese. His answer was perfect, "I don't believe some creature should die for my meal."

My usual wisecrack is there are 3 main types of eating disorders:
Anorexia, Bulemia, & Veganism.

Lots orf reason not ot eat creatures, but to not even enjoy the products God conveniently set aside for us like milk & eggs (milk only if the calves are fully fed first, of course) borders on obsessive-compulsive & isn't
necessarily healthy. Leather, sure, cuz a death has to occur before leather
is made. I'm all for healthy choices or moral choices, even if the morals differ from mine. Be true to the path God has put you on, I say. . .

I don’t know why everyone seem to have a problem with vegans.
I have never had a beef with one.

I ran into this vegan girl who said she knew me
I had to tell her I'd never met herbivore.

Did you know Bruce Lee(RIP) has a vegan brother?
Broco Lee

We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."

My wife asked me “can vegans have dogs?”
I said: “not for lunch”

A vegan told me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!"
I told them "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer"

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Worst part about being in a wheelchar is I always knw wgich people in
the front of the bus doesn't practice good nether hygiene (*retch*)

It's called "crop dusting"...where the fart smell follows you.

Search on YouTube for "John Michael Montgomery" and "SOLD".

Yup, she's cute. I've heard the song, but not seen the video before. .
.

I love watching clogging, and that's not a plumbing problem.

I like cute country, like the one about "Don't Take the Girl" with the twist ending that gives you a smile & a slightly swolled heart.

That's one of those classic country tear jerkers. Also, the one by Trace Adkins "You're Gonna Miss This"...and Trisha Yearwood's "Walkaway Joe".

Lots orf reason not ot eat creatures, but to not even enjoy the
products God conveniently set aside for us like milk & eggs (milk only
if the calves are fully fed first, of course) borders on obsessive-compulsive & isn't necessarily healthy. Leather, sure, cuz a death has to occur before leather is made. I'm all for healthy choices
or moral choices, even if the morals differ from mine. Be true to the path God has put you on, I say. . .

The Apostle Peter had a vision of all these animals, and was told by
the angel to "Arise, Kill, and Eat". Peter said he wouldn't do it, and
was told "What God has cleansed, don't call it common". After the Noahic
Flood, mankind was allowed to eat meat, instead of being just vegeterian.
There has been speculation as to what it'll be like after The Second
Coming, but at this point, we really don't know.

I don’t know why everyone seem to have a problem with vegans.
I have never had a beef with one.

A friend's dachshund ate this beefy dog food, but it gave him so much
gas, that they almost had to call hazmat out. :P

I ran into this vegan girl who said she knew me
I had to tell her I'd never met herbivore.

That explained that.

Did you know Bruce Lee(RIP) has a vegan brother?
Broco Lee

I thought Bon Jovi had pizza cousin...Ann Jovi. <G>

We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."

To me, for a good salad, you have to have certain things.

My wife asked me “can vegans have dogs?”
I said: “not for lunch”

Better than weiners. :P

A vegan told me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!"
I told them "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer"

I like the one where the woman went into the meat department, looking
for chicken breasts for her cookout. Well, what she found was basically
"table scraps". So, she called the manager, and he told her to finish
her shopping, and he'd check what the deal was. Well it turned out that
the chicken breasts (with plenty of meat on them) were ready, but that
the prices hadn't been put on them yet. So, he took care of that, and
set them out on display.

Well, he couldn't find the woman, and the announcement went over
the store's P.A. system:

"Will the woman looking for bigger breasts, meet the manager at the
back of the store??". <G>

Daryl

... "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" -Edgar Bergen
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

I love watching clogging, and that's not a plumbing problem.

We ghad, years back, a teen girl clogging on a piece of plywood outside the grocer store, to raise money for her Irish dance lessons to continue to the next level -- she was good!

I usually save my change for homeless folks, but I gave her some.

> The Apostle Peter had a vision of all these animals, and was told by

the angel to "Arise, Kill, and Eat". Peter said he wouldn't do it, and
was told "What God has cleansed, don't call it common". After the Noahic Flood, mankind was allowed to eat meat, instead of being just vegeterian. There has been speculation as to what it'll be like after The Second
Coming, but at this point, we really don't know.

The alloweance to eat meat after the flood was a concession, not a ull permission -- "if you MUST kill & eat animals, do so humanely" was the essential message.

I refuse to eat KFC, as they are the worst of the cicken places for anuse to the animals.

Someone asked me, "So you're agaist cruelty to animals, but you eat them?" &
I say, "yup, I'm fully in favour to kill the animals for food, but no need to torture them first!"; likewise I don't support rodeos.

A friend's dachshund ate this beefy dog food, but it gave him so much
gas, that they almost had to call hazmat out. :P

Canned pet food is pure poison -- gives them a rotten gut & horrifdic gas & breath. Our dog gets only a spoonful twice a day, to mix his crushed
medicine into.

> GP> Did you know Bruce Lee(RIP) has a vegan brother?

Broco Lee

I thought Bon Jovi had pizza cousin...Ann Jovi. <G>

To be serious for a moment (only a momet, don't worry!): did you know Bon
Jovi has a "pay what you can" restautrant in New Jersey?

To me, for a good salad, you have to have certain things.

Yeah -- boiled eggs, cheese cubes, & habaero peppers!

Vegetables can be omitted completely. . .

... "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" -Edgar Bergen

They use to sya that to me when I was 19, working 15-16-hour days 6 days a
week then 12-16 hours of construction labour on the other.

& for $5.25/hour ($5.40 briefly at my second FT job, doing warehouse work, & $10/hour for the construction) -- it was 1986.

One guy came in & said jhe was the hiring forema at the papermill across the way & said I could have a FT job, only 37.5 hyours/week, at $22/hour to
start. I asked h im if the job was union & he said of course, so I said, "No thanks; I have my perinciples"; then the knew I was completely crazy!

I prefer the term "faithful to my principles."

You have to work hard to reach your goals.
After all, not every batboy grows up to become batman.

Carpentry is hard work
That's why i get hammered after work

My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath...
She didn't really seem to appreciate the sketch but it went on the fridge anyway...

Making mayonnaise is hard work.
Some would even call it egg-sauce-ting.

I bought a mattress after a hard day at work
I just needed something to fall back on

Did you know you can measure with your legs after a hard day's work?
I asked this question of my gf and she looked at me oddly and asked how.

Well your legs become a ruler after a long shift.
She looks at me, knowing something's coming. "And how's that?"

Well you always complain that they're a king after a long shift. A king is a ruler, so your legs can measure things.

Took her a minute. Got something thrown at me. Good times.
-=-
Visited the parents after a hard day's work
Me: "Man, I am exhausted, I busted my rump today."
Dad: "I can tell, there's a crack in it."

My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.

I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

[I use a variatuion when people ask me how I became paralyed; I say, "I went
to the bank to check my balance ... ... then I fell off the roof."]

I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.

I got fired from my job as a calendar manufacturer...
All I did was take a day off...

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

We ghad, years back, a teen girl clogging on a piece of plywood outside the grocer store, to raise money for her Irish dance lessons to
continue to the next level -- she was good!

Geico has a commercial, where the residents are talking about a clogging problem. But, it's with the people, and not the plumbing.

The alloweance to eat meat after the flood was a concession, not a ull permission -- "if you MUST kill & eat animals, do so humanely" was the essential message.

Some do it for the sport of it. It reminds me of the joke where this
hunter was arrested for shooting an endangered species, to survive. The
judge asked him what it tasted like, and he said "halfway between a
California condor and a spotted owl". <G>

I refuse to eat KFC, as they are the worst of the cicken places for
anuse to the animals.

While I love their slaw, their dining rooms are too small...and when
I was in there one day, I had just filled the car up with fuel, and
wanted to wash the gasoline residue off my hands before eating food.

Well, the things to dry one's hands in the mens' restroom weren't working...and they said "you can use the ladies' room". I growled
"No thanks", and walked out.

Canned pet food is pure poison -- gives them a rotten gut & horrifdic
gas & breath. Our dog gets only a spoonful twice a day, to mix his crushed medicine into.

I forget what the friends' dachshund likes, but he loves quite a bit
of people food.

I thought Bon Jovi had pizza cousin...Ann Jovi. <G>

To be serious for a moment (only a momet, don't worry!): did you know
Bon Jovi has a "pay what you can" restautrant in New Jersey?

Interesting.

To me, for a good salad, you have to have certain things.

Yeah -- boiled eggs, cheese cubes, & habaero peppers!

Vegetables can be omitted completely. . .

As my late wife would whine "you just ruined it". :P

My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath...
She didn't really seem to appreciate the sketch but it went on the
fridge anyway...

LOL!!

Making mayonnaise is hard work.
Some would even call it egg-sauce-ting.

I can't cut the mustard, but I can stir the mayonnaise, and lick the
jar. <G>

I bought a mattress after a hard day at work
I just needed something to fall back on

That's where I'm going after I finish the QWK Mail...both eyes are
red and tired tonight.

Me: "Man, I am exhausted, I busted my rump today."
Dad: "I can tell, there's a crack in it."

The reason why it's vertical and not horizontal...because if you fell
out of bed, the cheeks would make funny noises.

My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't
strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.

That package of salt was just too much, as it peppered his strength
away.

I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

I guess she didn't bounce.

I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to
deliver. I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

Really.

I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.

That's only for folks who use Viagra regularly. <G>

I got fired from my job as a calendar manufacturer...
All I did was take a day off...

You get 364 days a year off for vacation, etc., leaving only 1
day for work, and I'll be darned if you're getting that day off!!

Daryl

... I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

Geico has a commercial, where the residents are talking about a clogging problem. But, it's with the people, and not the plumbing.

yup, their other one is "there's a problem with noisy pipes" & it's bagpipers playing under the counters. . .

> Some do it for the sport of it. It reminds me of the joke where this

hunter was arrested for shooting an endangered species, to survive. The judge asked him what it tasted like, and he said "halfway between a California condor and a spotted owl". <G>

I believe he was arrested for eating bald eagle. I recall posting that one
into this echo nearly 20 years ago!

I refuse to eat KFC, as they are the worst of the cicken places for anuse to the animals.

While I love their slaw, their dining rooms are too small...and when
I was in there one day, I had just filled the car up with fuel, and
wanted to wash the gasoline residue off my hands before eating food.

Well, the things to dry one's hands in the mens' restroom weren't working...and they said "you can use the ladies' room". I growled
"No thanks", and walked out.

I hae when there's no way to wash your hands!

I generally use the wheelchair-accessible washroom, if someone's not using it when not needed (mostly middle aged Asian women, who stand on the seat &
spray it down, or teenage shoplifters wanting to unpackage the loot); if the dryer's dfead, I just go into the regular men's room to dry, or into the
family room (hey, I got family)

I only need to dry one had, so if I do so on my pants or shirt no biggie. . .

To be serious for a moment (only a momet, don't worry!): did you know Bon Jovi has a "pay what you can" restautrant in New Jersey?

Interesting.

Look it up -- very cool -- he's still making a profit! While feeding the homeless in a dignified manner. .

To me, for a good salad, you have to have certain things.

Yeah -- boiled eggs, cheese cubes, & habaero peppers!

Vegetables can be omitted completely. . .

As my late wife would whine "you just ruined it". :P

That's what I say about a meal that has veggies added. . .

Seinfeld defines salad as a promissory bnote that food is coming; It's not
your real food, but at least you know they have your order. . .

I bought a mattress after a hard day at work
I just needed something to fall back on

That's where I'm going after I finish the QWK Mail...both eyes are
red and tired tonight.

I get that from allergies. . . & tiredness is just my life now. . .

I got fired from my job as a calendar manufacturer...
All I did was take a day off...

You get 364 days a year off for vacation, etc., leaving only 1
day for work, and I'll be darned if you're getting that day off!!

True story, I knew a guy, who was an independent excavator O/O.

He got a one job contract from the city to assist on a road project (pipe replacement, I think); the city outsources some work to save on union wages.

My buddy gets there, & there's nobod around, so he waits, waits, then checlks the spec sheet he got with his contract & went ahead & dug up the road as specified, as he was putting the backhoe back on his flatbed, the crew shows
up (had been at "coffee" all morning); the foreman starts swearing at my
mate, saying he just did work they planned to keep stretched out for 3-4
weeks!

Buddy just shrugged & left.

... I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

You have to give your two weeks;' notice, or your pay will be docked.

Q: What do you eat on payday?
A: A pay roll

Q: What do you call a T Rex that works for a Payday Loan company?
A: An Apex Predatory Lender.

I work at a pawnshop/payday loan store and the payday loan girl was trying to fill the store ATM..
Girl: You guys have any twenties?
Boss: Go fish!


I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.
They even had a shift differential!


I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.
They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my p aycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, a
nd honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was.

He said "your paycheck? Yeah that's just your day rates."

"And the hot dogs?" I asked

"Nitrates"

-=-

My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your w ages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."


"What's your wage?" asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)