Attorney: You've testified the victim was dead, correct? Doctor: Yes,
sir. A: Are you SURE he was dead.
D: Well, I have his brain in a jar on my desk, but I guess he MIGHT be
out practicing law somewhere.
Jeeze -- I know what was going on, the attorney was likely trying to get it down to simple assault, from aggravated assault & attempted murder
and was asking the witness (his client, i'm guessing) if the attack was an attempted murder, or just a venting of frustration -- he might've
been clearer in what he was seeking. Of course, there's no way the DA
DA was going to object! *LOL*
If I had more free time, I think I'd spend time in courtrooms --
getting the drama & comedy live! If I had a way I could take notes & they'd be legible, I'd have plenty of material for a blog or column,
I'm sure!
Q: How much education do you have??
Q: When you gave that answer, were you mistaken, or was it a barefaced lie? A: It was a barefaced lie.
Well, isn't that nice, when he admits the truth under oath in open
court! Lots will just double down on the lies.
We had a juror jailed a couple years ago 'cause she was having intimate relations with & cash payoffs from the defendant in exchange for her voting not guilty, & pushing the other jurors to vote likewise.
Whacko!
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him??
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
How does she know that? objection, your honour, the witness is suppositioning without verifiable witnessing of these alleged
activities. This is prejudicing the jury against my client. Move to strike.
Me: Shut the **** up; you called an idiot to the stand as one of YOUR witnesses, now suffer, you little she-dog!
As judge I'd say, "bull ****ing s***! I'm going to cite you for perjury
if you don't hurry up and fix that statement to be the truth & nothing but the truth, as you swore to do before taking that seat."
That is a pure WTF moment right there! I have to wonder how many head shakes this caused!
Q: You saw him interact with your sister? And I believe they had 1 child?
A: Well, I did not see the actual interaction, but they did have 1 child.
Most damned cross-examination, anyhow!
Guy asked his boss for the afternoon off as hs wife is conceiving at
2pm.
The boss says, "I'm not sure what you mean, but I have a feeling
you'd better be therefor that one! Sure, go ahead."
Talk to any seller on craigslist or Facebook's Bidwars/etc. & you'll
get that same story!
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
I'm pretty sure I've dated her. . . *sigh*
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
Except it's not his date of birth -- it's his birthday.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
Give or take on all numbers. Did the lawyer greet him with, "Hi, how
are you?" or "How high are you?"
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
I have honestly given answers like this.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Oops, forgot idiot lawyers get last word, unless the judge demands it.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Good doctor! I like that doctor!
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
Attorney: Your honour, please direct the witness to restrict his
answers to only the information asked for. Judge: I think that was
VERY relevant information, counselor, & remember, he is under oath.
Judge sex:
She offered her honour.
He honored her offer
Then all night long
It was on 'er & off 'er.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me?
I need to know WTH the lawyer was thinkng in that question. The only possible explanation was it was a picture of someone else that the
witness owned)the photo, not the someone else, necessarily)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having sex.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
No unbribed judge would deny this request!
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
Nowadays, this is a thing of contentino -- just because HE has a beard
& a penis sdoesn't mean he IDENTIFIES as a male/man!
My answert is always going to be, "how the hell can I know -- I don't
make it a habit of checking crotches in public, or asking the
question, 'what sex and gender do you identify as?'"
BecaUSE IT'S FOOLISHY -- YOU CAN I9DEBTIFY ASA ANY DARN GENDER YOU
WANT, BUT YOUR SEX IS YOUR SEX -- DETERMINED BY AN xy CHROMOSOME IN
every GENE, IN EVERY CELL OF YOUR ODY. Oops, sorry for caps. This
tpically results in certauin primary &v secondary sexual
characteristics, themselves subject to a one in ten million, or more, mutation in their programming. . .
I suggest you try to get the person in question to strip naked in front
of the jury & state their sex idebntity & preferred gender(s) for the Court.
Lawyer: Judge, you a complete moron are!! Judge: That's out of order.
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, "Order! Order in the courtroom!" So I said, "A pastrami on rye,
please." (actually I requested a reuben on punmpernickel, but I ended
up getting a pastrami on rye)
The guy in the wheel chair hates going to the courtroom He suffers in juries
Q: What do you call a courtroom leader with issues? A: Judgemental
Q: What kind of spice hangs around in a courtroom? A: A BAY LEAF!!!
Q: What do you call a small courtroom? A: Trial size.
A lawyer broke the courtroom dress code. It resulted in a law suit.
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