Been working through a backlog of my sources, so here's another edition
on top of my earlier one:
-= 1 =-
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
-= 2 =-
quotables:
"According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's
fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know
not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on
their taxes." -Jimmy Fallon
"Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had
sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle." -Seth Meyers
"Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked
about it, the astronauts said, 'Wait a minute, so that WASN'T ice
cream?'" -Conan O'Brien
"A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in
a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the
same way as everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers
"A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying.
But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe."
-Jimmy Fallon
"Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its web browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess they're finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for." -Seth Meyers
"A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she
got in a class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!'
And her professor said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" -Jimmy Fallon
"A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on
social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers
"Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide
your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend
in the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in the eye, this is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden
"At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple
exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer
after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released
back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America's largest suppliers of
hunting rifles." -James Corden
-= 3 =
Her husband said, "They had eggs."
[makes sense to me!]
-= 4 =-
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
-= 5 =-
The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!"
-= 6 =-
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was
too tight.
"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.
"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."
-= 7 =-
Luckily she got a kick out of it and I sold her the nipples for her
baby bottles.
-= 8 =-
RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary
-= 9 =-
He said, "No, Fatty, don't eat anything!"
-= 10 =-
The waitress took one look at me and told her, "What else you got?"
You're on a roll...not sure if it's sweet...or if you're just bageling for attention. <G>
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
He is now!! :P
"According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes." -Jimmy Fallon
He has a button that says I.R.S. <G>
"Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle." -Seth Meyers
Talk about a mile high threesome. :P
<BLEAH!> Or did they come up with that on the sperm of the moment, and
I guess the reply got ejaculated...from a rather teste call. Or did they have the balls for it, say the whole thing was just nuts, and they felt rather peckerish about it?? (Yes, I'm in one of my nether moods this
morning <G>).
"A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers
He should have looked for a cow put out to pasture...an Old Jersey. <G>
"Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its web browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess they're finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for." -Seth Meyers
The ads are click bait, so that makes these folks master baiters. :P
"A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!' And her professor said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" -Jimmy Fallon
D-Tention, because you're F-ing mad...and that's the ABC's of it.
"A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers
Life and one's friends can seem so boring at times.
The hurricane told the coconut tree to "hold on to your nuts, as this is going to be one heck of a blow job".
Hindsight may be 20/20, but I don't have eyes in my butt. However, I wish I did at times...so I could see if the toilet seat was down in a darkened bathroom...or if there was a chair there for when I went to sit down.
"At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon
Here's Your Sign, Lady. <G>
I tried to go through the checkout line that noted "10 items or less". But, they wouldn't let me go through, because I had a dozen eggs.
The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!"
Mass Mistake. <G>
... Don't iron a 4 leaf clover; Never Press Your Luck.
I'm partial to chocolate-whipped cream rolls, myself.
& why is New Zealand still allowed to call itself "new"?
& B-lame G-ame, when it's time she Tees up her own responsibility.
Q: Howdo you get a one-armed blonde out of a coconut tree?
A: Wave
"Yup, I can sit on ice cream & tell you if it's chocolate or vanilla"
"Tire go flat?"
"Nope, I was driving along & the other 3 just swolled right up!" "Heat'll do that!"
Prank: fill your buggy/cart to the brim & piled as high as possible; go
up to a person in line who has ONE item, & ask, "Do you mind if I go in front of you, please? I'm in a hurry."
Opium for the masses (or is it "them asses"?)
... Don't iron a 4 leaf clover; Never Press Your Luck.
Unless you're playing poker with amateurs, then push, push, press on, & win!
I'm partial to chocolate-whipped cream rolls, myself.
I used to devour a dozen chocolate iced donuts...but I've given up
tea, caffeine, chocolate, candy, etc. -- and the downside of that is caffeine withdrawl, and my migraines are back.
& why is New Zealand still allowed to call itself "new"?
Same thing with New Mexico.
& B-lame G-ame, when it's time she Tees up her own responsibility.
So few want to accept responsibility. That's like the 2 brothers
fighting, and one tells their parents "he hit me first after I hit
him back". I think they both got spanked.
Prank: fill your buggy/cart to the brim & piled as high as possible; go up to a person in line who has ONE item, & ask, "Do you mind if I go in front of you, please? I'm in a hurry."
Really. Although I've offered to have someone with a full cart go before me, with only an item or two.
Never mind the Whammies. My favorite was the one breakdancing.
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