• Computer Illiterate

    From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to All on Wed Jul 8 16:41:44 2020
    If you are technologically challenged, and sometimes stress out over your computer, take heart...

    From a Wall Street Journal article:

    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
    Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
    the mouse was packaged in.

    3. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
    anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
    the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

    4. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
    worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
    soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained
    that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told
    the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The
    user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

    8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there
    for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened
    when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

    9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for
    support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that
    "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

    10. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go
    about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup
    holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this
    cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on
    it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he
    couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the
    load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off.

    11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded,
    "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
    in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working
    fine."

    12. TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
    the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have
    a 'P'". TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you
    mean?" TECH SUPPORT: "'P' ...on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "Hey,
    Buddy, I'm not going to do that! Figure another way!"

    Have a blessed day, and enjoy your computer!!!
    --- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Wed Jun 9 08:39:58 2021
    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    I just tell my clients "that big long one at the front of your keyboard"

    Most compouter problems are due to an I.D TEN t. error (ID10T)
    or a loose nut in front of the keyboard;
    Or it's a standard wetware problem. Solution: return the computer to the
    store, you're too dumb to own one.

    3. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

    Then there was the secretary of undisclosed natural hair colour, who
    comlained her fax recipient kept getting a blank document.
    (she'd folded the fax before sending because it was marked "Top Secret don't show anybody")

    4. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
    them
    individually.

    The official wayu to clean an IBM keyboard, I kid you not, is to turn it
    upside down & bang it onto your desk (might not work on the newer ones -- the old ones were built like a Schick Brickhouse. I had one for the original PC
    I had, that weighed about 5 pounds! (the mouse weighed darn near a pound itself!)

    5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
    because
    his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be
    taken
    personally.

    ... On a clear disk you can seek forever. . .
    ... Today: the dawn of a new error. . .

    > 8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer
    wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

    One guy was directed to the power switch, turned it on then asked, "Holy
    crud, what's that noise?!"


    Have a blessed day, and enjoy your computer!!!

    I tried to bless the rains down in Africa...
    It was a Toto failure.

    I had my pastor bless a bottle of mercury for me.
    I love my Christian Heavy Metal.

    What does the Pope say when he wants to bless a pack of cigarettes?
    Holy smokes! [the other, usurper, Pope!)

    She: Don't forget we have the cable guy coming later today?
    He: What time?
    She: At two.
    He: Bless you!
    She: What?
    She: Okay, enough with the dumb jokes, buster, or I'm leaving!!

    Bless me, Father
    for I have sneezed

    Why did the reverend bless his milk?
    To pastorize it

    Q: What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
    A: A shoe.

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Hatch.
    Hatch who?
    Bless you.

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)