• Metric Dozen

    From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Mon Feb 1 21:23:56 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

    At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and
    I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

    As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

    -= 2 =-
    Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

    Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

    Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

    Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

    Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

    Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out
    tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-- no one wants to hear me sing!

    -= 3 =-
    A story from my childhood, with one of my teachers who was patient with me. .
    . I didn't deserve her!

    Young Cyberpope: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

    Teacher: 502.

    Young Cyberpope: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

    Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

    Young Cyberpope: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

    Young Cyberpope: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

    Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

    Young Cyberpope: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close
    door.

    Young Cyberpope: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

    Teacher: let me guess the lion?

    Young Cyberpope: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.

    Teacher: WOW!

    Young Cyberpope: Sally has to get across a large river home to many
    alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

    Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

    Young Cyberpope:The gators are at the party.

    Young Cyberpope: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

    Teacher:She drowned?!

    Young Cyberpope: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

    -= 4 =-
    In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

    The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

    -= 5 =-
    A couple was at this party when they suddenly get in the mood to do it. The
    guy comes near the girl but she says, "I am a little hungry can you get me
    some pretzels from downstairs ?"

    The guy all excited runs down for pretzels but there is a huge line of people around the bowl, figuring he couldn't do much he gets in line waits and
    rushes back with the pretzels. The girl, satisfying her hunger says, "Great! just it's a little too salty please be a dear and get me a small slice of
    cake too."

    The guy rushes down and sees the nearby table lined with people waiting for
    the delicious truffle chocolate cake. He gets in waits and hurries upstairs with the cake slice.

    The girl relishes the cake and content says one final thing, "I am so sorry honey ! I feel like I am making you run errands for like an eternity but I
    feel a little dry can you please please be a sweetheart and get me something
    to drink?"

    The guy, even though slightly annoyed charges downstairs running and sees a bowl of punch at the centre table but there's no punchline.

    -= 6 =-
    Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side
    of a brain had on counting.
    They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

    He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

    They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to
    count to 10 again.

    He says ‟1, 3, 5, 7, 9”.

    Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain.They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

    He says, ‟Look.I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the
    best numbers.No one has better numbers than I do.My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the
    country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she is ever seen.The best.So if you want me to count to 10, let me
    tell you I can count to 10 alright.That's no problem.I'll do it.I'll.And I
    will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?”

    -= 7 =-
    Motel Coronavirus

    On a dim dreary morning
    Ceiling fan stirs the air
    Stale beer and Doritos
    Littered next to my chair
    Just outside of my window
    Saw a glimmer of light
    My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding
    I hadn't slept all last night
    Haven't shaved for a month now
    Haven't showered in weeks
    I started thinking to myself
    2020 - this year really reeks
    Murder hornets and COVID
    Protests, brutality
    Fires, heatwaves, and climate change
    Masks and quarantine

    Welcome to the Motel Coronavirus
    Such a lovely place
    When we can't see your face
    Livin' it up at the Motel Coronavirus
    This entire year
    Well it can kiss my rear


    My mind is definitely twisted
    I did the sourdough thing
    Tried my hand at carpentry
    Gave myself a nose ring
    Got my COVID beard going
    Man, does it itch
    And everywhere's sold out of
    that darn Nintendo Switch
    Just want to go somewhere
    Maybe have a good time
    I've been stuck in this apartment so long, it could be a war crime
    And now my landlord is calling me every day
    Wake me up from the middle of my nap
    Just to hear him say


    Welcome to the Motel Coronavirus
    Such a lovely place
    When we can't see your face
    Livin' it up at the Motel Coronavirus
    This entire year
    Well it can kiss my rear

    Bank account is shrinking
    Ain't been paid in months
    We are all just sitting here, learning to live like monks
    In Congressional chambers
    Fighting over the bill
    We need some help to make it through
    But they just never will
    Last thing I remember
    I was running for the door
    I had to find the passage back
    to 1994
    Can't relax, feel so mournful
    I don't want to believe
    2020 is the new normal
    And you can never leave

    -= 8 =-
    Once upon a time, there was a priest that worked at a church. He was a really good man, but very overweight and out of shape. He liked to joke about this, but he wasn't that interested in losing it, because it wouldn't really affect his life.

    Anyways, one day a man walked into the church after the services were over.
    He walked up to the priest and asked, "May I have half of a lemon?" The
    priest was confused, but didn't really care, so he went down to the kitchen, got a lemon, cut it in half, and gave half to the guy. The man said thanks,
    and ran off.

    The next day, after things were wrapping up, the same man came back in, and asked again, "May I have half of a lemon?" The priest was curious now, but he went down and got the other half of the lemon, giving it to the man. As happened before, the man said thanks, and ran away.

    This happened for the next few days, with the man always coming in and asking for half of a lemon. The priest was really interested now, so he decided to follow this man, just to catch up to ask what he needed all the lemons for.
    So, when the guy came back, the priest gave him half of a lemon, and started
    to run after him.

    They ran through the city streets, twisting and turning around corners and sidewalks. But eventually, the priest, being out of shape, couldn't keep up.
    He walked back to the church panting.

    The priest went to the gym the next day (after giving the man half a lemon,
    of course). He worked on the treadmills for about a week, and was now pretty good at running (not sure how he got that much better in a week, but eh, who cares).

    So, the next day, the man came in and asked for a half lemon, as usual. The priest gave it to him, and the man ran off. But the priest started following him, running up and down the streets of the town. Eventually, they got out of the town, and after going through a small field, came to a large forest. However, the floor of the forest was covered in brambles and thorns,
    completely impassible without an industrial-grade machete and hours of work.

    The man jumped up into the trees, though, and started jumping from branch to branch. The priest, however, sucked at climbing, so he turned around panting and went back to town, from which he started working out at the gym, doing climbing stuff, which he got good at.

    The next day, the man came back, and of course asked for a half lemon, which the priest got for him. They took off, running up and down the streets,
    before getting to the forest, at which point the man jumped into the trees,
    but the priest followed him this time. They jumped from branch to branch, before eventually getting through and running through a field.

    Eventually, they came to a massive lake, with more brambly forests on the sides. The man jumped into the water and swam across, but the priest didn't know how to swim, so he went to the pool and started learning for a few
    weeks.

    And of course, the man came back, asking for a half lemon, which the priest went down and got. They ran away, going through the town streets before
    getting to the field, then the forest where they climbed up the trees.
    Getting through, they ran up to the lake. The man jumped in and started to swim, but the priest jumped in after him.

    They swam and swam across the water, eventually getting to the other side, where there was a small cabin. The priest finally caught up to the man.

    "Why are you following me?" the man asked.

    "I just want to know what you need all the half lemons for."

    "Very well, but you must promise never to tell anyone else."

    "I agree," said the priest, and being an honorable man, he meant it. The man then whispered in the priest's ear.

    What did he say?

    ** !I don't know, the priest never told anyone, remember?! **

    -= 9 =-
    I don't like Haikus;
    But I like ironic twists.
    I am conflicted.

    -= 10 =-
    Q: What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than
    30 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?
    A: A Water Lilly.

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.12-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Tue Feb 2 12:45:08 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    ~#~ H/T to upjoke.com for contributions to this & last issue ~#~

    I know several jokes in sign language
    I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

    -= 2 =-
    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
    'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
    expecting you.'

    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
    seat!'

    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

    'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
    mother was so difficult to work with.'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
    done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
    look'

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

    'Tripod?'

    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

    Mrs. Smith fainted

    -= 3 =-
    A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

    "Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach me?" and
    the school responds, "Sure, we can teach anyone!" The horse says "But I'm a horse, is that a problem?" and the school days "No, come on down!"

    A few weeks later, the horse is riffing on an electric guitar in the barn, which, of course, draws some attention. He's approached by the pig who asks, "Hey, how did you learn to do that?"

    The horse says, "Well, there's a music school that can teach anyone to play
    any insturment." "Really?" asks the pig. "Guaranteed," the horse says.

    So the pig calls up and says "Hey, I want to learn to play the keyboard," he says, "Can you teach me?" and the school responds, "Sure, we can teach
    anyone!" The pig says "But I'm a pig, is that a problem?" and the school days "No, come on down!"

    A few weeks later, the pig is playing synth to back up the horse and it
    sounds pretty good, and it draws the attention of the chicken. She comes in
    and asks the horse and the pig, "Hey, how did you learn to do that?"

    The horse says, "Well, there's a music school that can teach anyone to play
    any insturment." "Really?" asks the chicken. "Guaranteed," confirms the pig.

    So the chicken calls up and says "Hey, I want to learn to play the drums,"
    she says, "Can you teach me?" and the school responds, "Sure, we can teach anyone!" The chicken says "But I'm a chicken, is that a problem?" and the school days "No, come on down!"

    A few weeks later they've got a hit little trio going, drawing in all the
    barn animals. A talent agent drives by and hears them, and stops to see
    what's going on. He signs them instantly and they take the show on the road.

    The trio have a metoric rise to fame; gold records, sold out shows, screaming fans, national tours. They're all set for their first international tour, cruising around Europe with their music.

    The band is about to get on the plane when the horse gets a phone call. It's his mother; she's become very sick and taken a turn for the worse. He has to
    go see her, and cen't get on the plane. His bandmates, great friends by now, tell him not to worry. They'll go on ahead and he can take another flight
    after he sees his mother.

    They get on the plane and the horse goes home, but, he's too late. She's already passed, and he didn't get to see her that one last time. Although he
    is crushed with grief, he stays strong for his friends. He decides to
    dedicate this tour to his mother.

    He calls his agent to get a flight to Europe, but he is told there's no tour. The plane with the pig and chicken exploded midair - something about a fuel line. No survivors.

    The horse gets in his car and speeds into town; he needs to escape this. He drives around till he finds somewhere to park, then he gets out downtown.

    The horse walks into a bar.

    The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

    -= 4 =-
    I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in
    only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

    Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

    -= 5 =-
    What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?

    Go ask your mother

    -= 6 =-
    Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.
    Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

    Here is collection of comedy gold I've developed over the years.

    Whats The Fonz's favorite baseball team?
    The Oakland Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy's

    What sexually transmitted disease did The Fonz contract?
    Hepatitis Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
    (Eyyyyyyyyyd's also works)

    What's The Fonz's favorite country?
    The U-S-of-Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

    Feel free to make up your own, its the gift that keeps on giving!

    -= 7 =-
    I always try to say 'mucho' when i'm with my Hispanic mates...

    ...it means a lot to them.

    -= 8 =-
    "I'm sad to have to tell you this, but you have ocular melanoma"

    "I'm not medically minded doctor. Can you put that in layman's terms for me?"

    "Yes ... I can sir"

    -= 9 =-
    Apparently, BBC flagship programme Newsnight is going to hire Pippa
    Middleton, Kate's younger sister, as a news correspondent.

    Which just goes to show you that if you work hard, get straight As and go to journalism school ...

    you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister has married a Prince.

    -= 10 =-
    We'll close with the comic quotes today:

    "More than 60 cities around the world celebrated the 16th annual No Pants Subway Ride yesterday. Or as that one guy on your train calls it, 'Sunday.'" -Seth Meyers

    "A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding
    the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing,
    while the dog said, panicking, 'I gotta find that blind guy. I'm in a lot of trouble if I don't find him." -Jimmy Fallon

    "A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably
    watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." -Jimmy Kimmel

    "Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming
    supplies at an airport baggage carousel. Police describe the suspect as 'single.'" -Seth Meyers

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.12-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Sun Mar 7 10:52:12 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

    "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?"
    I joked.

    "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

    "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes
    ignited?"

    "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would most likely blow it out."

    -= 2 =-
    ~#~ ty to Twitter @Dadsaysjokes

    Q: What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
    A: Someone who points out the obvious.
    -=-
    I once met an astronaut who was claustrophobic..

    Turns out he just needed a little space.
    -=-
    My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.

    Good man, terrible geologist.
    -=-
    The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies. "

    I replied, "Tell him he's very good. I don't have a son."
    -=-
    Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

    Me: “and?”
    -=-
    What did Tennessee?

    Same thing that Arkansas.
    -=-
    When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised.

    Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.
    -=-
    Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii...

    Or just a low ha.
    -=-
    Science puns make me numb

    But math puns make me number.
    -=-
    Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include
    a driver.

    Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.
    -=-
    Q: What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
    A: A Labracadabrador.
    -=-
    Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

    It was a brief case.
    -=-
    Q: Why do astronauts use linux?
    A: because you can't open windows in space.
    -=-

    -= 3 =-
    Starkle, starkle, little twink
    Who the hell you are, I think
    I'm not as drunk as some thinkle peep I am Besides, I've only had tea martoonies
    And, anyways, I've got all day sober to Sunday up in

    I fool so feelish, I don't know who's me yet But, the drunker I sit here, the longer I get"

    -= 5 =-
    Aging Rockers -- Tim Hawkins
    https://youtu.be/Z7Nu7vamRCA (needs volume)

    -= 6 =-
    "What idiot called it a semicolon instead of half-arsed?"

    -= 7 =-
    aaand, the late night quotes:

    "I've been trying to say 'I love you' more often, starting this morning. I
    said it to my family before I left the house. And then to my barista. And
    then to her manager, when the barista complained that one of the customers
    was making her uncomfortable." -Stephen Colbert

    "According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there's one thing women love, it's a
    man who can lie." -Seth Meyers

    "Engineers have begun trying to find a way to brew beer on the moon. Which means we'll soon have astronauts calling into Mission Control saying,
    'Houston, we have a drinking problem.'" -Conan O'Brien

    "According to a new report, 67 percent of millennials use Netflix, which must really tick off whoever owns the account they're using." -Seth Meyers

    "An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next
    year. Because that's what guys want in a sex robot - intelligence." -Conan O'Brien

    -= 8 =-
    When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth
    class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

    "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that.
    Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you
    so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

    One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

    -= 9 =-
    The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

    This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

    Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay
    but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

    Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

    -= 10 =-
    This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."

    This happens quite a few times until one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, but instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.

    So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the
    bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!"

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.13-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Tue Mar 30 12:08:08 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    I have bad news and good news. My parrot died from obresity yesterday.
    However, there is some good news.

    It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.
    -= 2 =-
    Well I got some bad news for y’all
    2022 is gonna be as bad as 2020 because 2022 is 2020 too

    -= 3 =-
    I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

    I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

    -= 4 =-
    Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

    Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

    -= 5 =-
    I've woken up nearly 20,000 times and I'm still not used to it.

    -= 6 =-
    A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat. I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

    -= 7 =-
    Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap to show them how even plants think they’re wrong.

    -= 8 =-
    I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

    -= 9 =-
    Q: What's the best way to quit being vegan?
    A: Cold turkey.

    -= 10 =-
    Ignore this, I'm in a pub and I'm the only one sat alone and people are
    looking at me like I'm some sort of weird loner, so just writing this to make it look like I have a friend to text

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Wed Mar 31 14:13:00 2021
    George,


    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
    Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
    cancelation fee! ;)

    Can I owe you some wooden nickels?? <G>

    -= 1 =-
    I have bad news and good news. My parrot died from obresity yesterday. However, there is some good news.

    It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.

    So much for giving you the bird. <G>

    -= 2 =-
    Well I got some bad news for y’all
    2022 is gonna be as bad as 2020 because 2022 is 2020 too

    We're still in trouble, because with 2021, 2020 won.

    -= 3 =-
    I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

    I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

    I guess that's what the Chinese are doing for a COVID-19 check
    (anal swabs). Talk about "Turning The Tide". :P

    -= 4 =-
    Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

    Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

    Or like the meme where there is male and female pod of peas.
    The male is tickling the female...she screams "STOP!!", as she
    is "peeing all over the place". <G>

    -= 5 =-
    I've woken up nearly 20,000 times and I'm still not used to it.

    Or like the guy who wakes up in the morgue, and wonders "If I'm
    alive, what am I doing here?? If I'm dead, how come I have to go
    to the bathroom??".

    -= 6 =-
    A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we
    wouldn't eat meat. I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

    Never mind writing software that'd work with everything. On a side
    note, Microsoft Windows before Windows 10 has "Windows Explorer"...it
    was changed to "File Explorer" in Windows 10. Well, that program kept
    locking when I tried to access the downloads folder. So, I searched
    with DuckDuckGo, and found a freeware program called "Explore++". It's
    a free program, that works just like the Explorer programs (no ads,
    etc., either). Plus, just extract the ZIP file (versions are for both
    32-bit and 64-bit) to the desired directory, create a shortcut for it,
    and you're in business. No installation, registry, or uninstallation
    issues. If you don't like it, just zap the directory, and the created shortcuts.

    -= 7 =-
    Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap to show them how even plants
    think they’re wrong.

    Just don't stick your finger inside it...those things close very
    rapidly.

    -= 8 =-
    I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

    There were two friars who were looking to supplement their income, so
    they started their own flower shops. Well, they were doing such good
    business, that a competitor (who apparently was doing shady business
    anyway), decided to torch the store.

    He was arrested, and at the trial, it was learned his name was Hugh.
    They asked why he set the place ablaze, and he replied "Only Hugh can
    prevent florist friars".

    -= 9 =-
    Q: What's the best way to quit being vegan?
    A: Cold turkey.

    Makes for good sandwiches any time of year. :)

    -= 10 =-
    Ignore this, I'm in a pub and I'm the only one sat alone and people are looking at me like I'm some sort of weird loner, so just writing this
    to make it look like I have a friend to text

    Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

    Daryl

    ... A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Thu Apr 1 09:15:02 2021
    George,


    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    Can I owe you some wooden nickels?? <G>

    Sure! They're likely worth more, for rarity:

    from Google:
    Wooden nickels became popular in the 1930s though they may date back as far
    as the 1880s. During the Great Depression, banks in both Tenino and Blaine Washington issued emergency currency printed on thin shingles of wood due to coin shortages.

    -= 1 =-
    I have bad news and good news. My parrot died from obresity
    yesterday.
    However, there is some good news.

    It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.

    So much for giving you the bird. <G>

    I took the birsd & cookerd it -- it was delicoius.

    "But, dad, that was a $500 rare parrot, it could speak 15 languages!"

    I replied, "Well then why didn't it say something?"


    Well I got some bad news for y’all
    2022 is gonna be as bad as 2020 because 2022 is 2020 too

    We're still in trouble, because with 2021, 2020 won.

    Yup, good one!

    -= 3 =-
    I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

    I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

    I guess that's what the Chinese are doing for a COVID-19 check
    (anal swabs). Talk about "Turning The Tide". :P

    anal swabs with bleach (aka The Trumptard Methodology)?

    -= 4 =-
    Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

    Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

    Or like the meme where there is male and female pod of peas.
    The male is tickling the female...she screams "STOP!!", as she
    is "peeing all over the place". <G>

    That'd do it!

    If someone asks you, "Are you ticklish?" it doesn't matter how you answer, they're going to touch you. (unless you answer, "I have explosive diarrhea")

    -= 5 =-
    I've woken up nearly 20,000 times and I'm still not used to it.

    Or like the guy who wakes up in the morgue, and wonders "If I'm
    alive, what am I doing here?? If I'm dead, how come I have to go
    to the bathroom??".

    A quandary: Schroedinger's Morgue drawer?

    -= 6 =-
    A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat. I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

    Never mind writing software that'd work with everything. On a side
    note, Microsoft Windows before Windows 10 has "Windows Explorer"...it
    was changed to "File Explorer" in Windows 10. Well, that program kept locking when I tried to access the downloads folder. So, I searched
    with DuckDuckGo, and found a freeware program called "Explore++". It's
    a free program, that works just like the Explorer programs (no ads,
    etc., either). Plus, just extract the ZIP file (versions are for both
    32-bit and 64-bit) to the desired directory, create a shortcut for it,
    and you're in business. No installation, registry, or uninstallation
    issues. If you don't like it, just zap the directory, and the created shortcuts.

    Nice one! Microsoft ha to be the only OS company who makes software that's incompatible with the systen(their own) it's meant to run on!

    Visra was a pip: I'd close MSIE when done & I'd get a popup "Internet
    Explorer has closed. . .restarting" (DAHELLL???)

    I recall back in Windows 3.0 there was the ubiquitous "Unavoidable
    Application Error"(the infamous "UASE") which locked everything up (much like
    a BSD in later(98&ff) versions)

    In 3.12 they bragged, big-time "We've fixed the UAE, you'll no longer hgave these errors."

    Fixed = changed the name to General Protecton Fault (GPF--divide by zero by
    any other name)

    No excuse, when I programnmed (Vic=20, in BASIC) I checked all my integers, variable contents, & equations for validity. That's part of the job!

    & t ht was without getting paid. Imagine paying me $30/hour how well I'd do things then!

    Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap to show them how even plants think they’re wrong.

    Just don't stick your finger inside it...those things close very
    rapidly.

    But he digestivce juices work very slowly; I've seen flies rescued a minute
    or two after being trapped inside (I know -- why, right?)

    I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

    There were two friars who were looking to supplement their income, so
    they started their own flower shops. Well, they were doing such good business, that a competitor (who apparently was doing shady business anyway), decided to torch the store.

    He was arrested, and at the trial, it was learned his name was Hugh.
    They asked why he set the place ablaze, and he replied "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars".

    He wasn't wrong.

    Too bad only Hugh caused the florist fire!

    Q: What's the best way to quit being vegan?
    A: Cold turkey.

    Makes for good sandwiches any time of year. :)

    Amen! I love my turkey -- always buy one too big for our family -- I love the leftovers!

    Ignore this, I'm in a pub and I'm the only one sat alone and people
    are
    looking at me like I'm some sort of weird loner, so just writing this to make it look like I have a friend to text

    Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

    Old budy would set a mirror up on the table when dining alone. He explains
    to the waitresses who ask, "I like to eat with good looking people & have intelligent dinner conversation"

    Another guy went to the snootiest restaurant in Calgarty. When the waiter asked howe he wanted his steak he said, "Just blow its nose, wipe its arse, & lead that ****** in here!"

    That was a correct response in Cow Town.

    ... A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    I have photographic memory, bu they don't make that kind of film any more
    (even when they did, I kept forgetting the lens cap was on)

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Thu Apr 1 14:47:00 2021
    George,

    Wooden nickels became popular in the 1930s though they may date back as far as the 1880s. During the Great Depression, banks in both Tenino and Blaine Washington issued emergency currency printed on thin shingles of wood due to coin shortages.

    Interesting. I guess I should've offered monopoly money. <G>

    So much for giving you the bird. <G>

    I took the birsd & cookerd it -- it was delicoius.

    I would've thought the feathers would've tickled on the way down. :P

    "But, dad, that was a $500 rare parrot, it could speak 15 languages!"

    I replied, "Well then why didn't it say something?"

    That brings some parrot jokes to mind.

    1) This woman bought this one parrot, but was warned by the pet store clerk that the bird constantly cussed. She firmly said "I'll break him of it".

    Well, she gets him home, and it's "answer the d**m door!!" or "answer the f*****g phone!!". Each time, she grabs him, and puts him in the deep freeze. After a time for him to cool off (in more ways than one), she lectures the bird, and sternly said "I warned you what I'd do if you cursed. Do we understand now??". The bird, shaking violently, uttered "Yes, ma'am".

    On Sunday, the preacher and his wife came over for lunch, and it was
    a turkey dinner and all the trimmings. The parrot was in a cage way
    above the table, and noted the "basted bird", and said "What'd you do??
    Say g*****n??".

    2) A preacher and his wife had a rare male parrot that they wanted to
    breed, but the bird always said "Let's Pray". Well, the preacher's wife
    found a female parrot that said "Let's Neck". So, they put the birds in
    the cage together, and it went like this:

    Male Parrot: "Let's Pray".
    Female Parrot: "Let's Neck".
    Male Parrot: "My prayers have been answered".

    3) This guy had a parrot, and taught him to ask whenever someone came
    to the door "Who Is It??". The person at the door would then answer,
    and the owner would decide to open the door or not. Well, the owner
    had a plumbing issue at the house, but needed to get some stuff from
    the store. He figured he'd run down the street to the store before the
    plumber arrived. Well, as soon as he was out of sight, here comes the
    plumber.

    The plumber knocks on the door, and the parrot asks "Who Is It??".
    The man replies "It's the plumber!!".

    Well, there's no response, so the guy knocks again, and the parrot
    again asks "Who Is It??". The man again replies "It's the plumber!!".

    This goes on repeatedly, and the plumber gets his blood pressure up
    so much, that he collapses on the front porch.

    About that time, the home owner arrives, and sees the downed man
    on the porch, and asks "Who Is It??", and the parrot replies "It's
    The Plumber". <G>

    We're still in trouble, because with 2021, 2020 won.

    Yup, good one!

    I'm in one of my nether moods.

    I guess that's what the Chinese are doing for a COVID-19 check
    (anal swabs). Talk about "Turning The Tide". :P

    anal swabs with bleach (aka The Trumptard Methodology)?

    Well, if that doesn't kill the germs, nothing will.

    Or like the meme where there is male and female pod of peas.
    The male is tickling the female...she screams "STOP!!", as she
    is "peeing all over the place". <G>

    That'd do it!

    If someone asks you, "Are you ticklish?" it doesn't matter how you
    answer, they're going to touch you. (unless you answer, "I have
    explosive diarrhea")

    Then, threaten to drop your pants and underwear right before you
    "fire off the first volley".

    Or like the guy who wakes up in the morgue, and wonders "If I'm
    alive, what am I doing here?? If I'm dead, how come I have to go
    to the bathroom??".

    A quandary: Schroedinger's Morgue drawer?

    It would seem so.

    Nice one! Microsoft ha to be the only OS company who makes software
    that's incompatible with the systen(their own) it's meant to run on!

    I guarantee you if M$ ever put in a deal to disable any competing
    software (browser, utility, etc.), forcing you to use Edge, Office, etc.,
    folks would be leaving Windows in droves.

    Visra was a pip: I'd close MSIE when done & I'd get a popup "Internet Explorer has closed. . .restarting" (DAHELLL???)

    I called it Internut Exploder.

    I recall back in Windows 3.0 there was the ubiquitous "Unavoidable Application Error"(the infamous "UASE") which locked everything up
    (much like a BSD in later(98&ff) versions)

    There's a utility from IObit software (I use many of their programs)
    that'll take care of uninstalls, and other things, when it says "Windows
    can't do this".

    Fixed = changed the name to General Protecton Fault (GPF--divide by
    zero by any other name)

    There are likely some who think you can get something when dividing by nothing.

    No excuse, when I programnmed (Vic=20, in BASIC) I checked all my integers, variable contents, & equations for validity. That's part of
    the job!

    In a batchfile or program code, one missed letter, integer, number, etc., will make all the difference in the world.

    But he digestivce juices work very slowly; I've seen flies rescued a minute or two after being trapped inside (I know -- why, right?)

    I'll say. Maybe they should invent a big one for a means of execution
    for the thugs. <G>

    He was arrested, and at the trial, it was learned his name was Hugh.
    They asked why he set the place ablaze, and he replied "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars".

    He wasn't wrong.

    Not at all.

    Amen! I love my turkey -- always buy one too big for our family -- I
    love the leftovers!

    Being an amateur radio operator, when I eat ham, I'm cannibalistic. <G>

    Old budy would set a mirror up on the table when dining alone. He explains to the waitresses who ask, "I like to eat with good looking people & have intelligent dinner conversation"

    I talk to myself when I need expert advice.

    Another guy went to the snootiest restaurant in Calgarty. When the
    waiter asked howe he wanted his steak he said, "Just blow its nose,
    wipe its arse, & lead that ****** in here!"

    Wow.

    I have photographic memory, bu they don't make that kind of film any
    more (even when they did, I kept forgetting the lens cap was on)

    Like the blondes looking for the film in the digital camera.

    Daryl

    ... Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Fri Apr 2 18:08:00 2021
    George,

    Monopoly money can be used for purchases, if the seller agrees. (& it's not a case of not understanding, of course, as that's fraud)

    They're constantly having to make changes to stay ahead of the counterfeiters. Never mind those building kitchen cabinets to go
    into narrow spaces. <G>

    Interesting; I learned that unrolled coins, yp to the value of a half
    roll arre legal tender, but over that amount, not, so those who say
    they pilled a disputed traffic ticket in nickels are lying.

    When I worked for Burger King over 40 years ago, in manager training, I
    had to work with those rolled coins. With COVID-19, they're encouraging
    folks to up their purchase to the next dollar, or use a credit or debit
    card, as they're short on coinage.

    If he shows up with $180 worth of loose nickels, it's legally the same
    as not trying to pay the ticket at all.

    Sort of like the guy who got his final paycheck from his job in pennies (along with a vulgar note).

    If Ui was mad enough & had lots of time I didn't value, I could go in
    with 25 pennies(umm, nope, no pennies in Canada), 20 nickels, 25 dimes,
    20 quarters, 12 Loonies($1 coins), 25 Twonies($2 coins), dump it on the counter & say, "I'd like to make a partial payment please," & after I receive the updated statement/receipt, go to back of line & repeat with same set of loose, mixed coins! Until I get a "paid in full" receipt.

    Reminds me of the cartoon, where the elderly woman is going to make a
    deposit in pennies.

    Q: How can the National Mint be so short on coins?
    A: It makes no cents.

    They are still talking about ending manufacturing of the pennies, and
    upping all prices to end in 5 or 0, with tax.

    I went to the rock-wall place but my debit card was declined, so I had
    to pay with the coins in my car’s center console.
    It was my climb-it change.

    Or the woman holding her purse open during a cloudy day, because she
    was expecting some change in the weather. <G>

    My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...
    Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

    Never mind Grandma Dynamite in an episode of The Flintstones.

    The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, without explanation.
    It doesn't make any cents!

    Congress seems to have a lot of that, even though the country is trillions
    of dollars in debt.

    Did you hear about the coin shortage?
    Apparently, America is literally out of common cents!
    [is okay we have NONE in Canada any more]

    America can't be far behind.

    I chuckle when I remember that my coins aren't moist.
    It's my dry cents of humor

    If you leave them in your clothing and they get washed, they will be.

    Today my friend threw a coin at me and it went through my eyeglasses
    He said heh you didn't exspec that

    At least it didn't double as a monacle.

    My friend was hit by a car shortly after throwing coins in a wishing
    well I thought “well that’s unfortunate”

    I saw a ham radio cartoon, where the woman was in front of the wishing
    well, wanting to be "irrestible to men". She got changed into a top of
    the line ham radio rig. <G>

    A national coin shortage must provide some much needed relief for
    people who don’t like change.

    The only change now seems to be with underwear....because change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    Daryl

    ... Blizzard Warning: Your Dairy Queen Treat Is Ready.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Sun Apr 4 08:33:00 2021
    George,

    Monopoly money can be used for purchases, if the seller agrees. (&
    it's
    not a case of not understanding, of course, as that's fraud)

    They're constantly having to make changes to stay ahead of the counterfeiters. Never mind those building kitchen cabinets to go
    into narrow spaces. <G>

    Like guy who the waden said he'd release him early if he helped refit his(warden's) kitchen, as the guy was a detail carpenter.

    Con said, "No way, sir, counterfitting's what got me in here in the first place!"

    Interesting; I learned that unrolled coins, yp to the value of a half roll arre legal tender, but over that amount, not, so those who say they pilled a disputed traffic ticket in nickels are lying.

    When I worked for Burger King over 40 years ago, in manager training, I had to work with those rolled coins. With COVID-19, they're encouraging folks to up their purchase to the next dollar, or use a credit or debit card, as they're short on coinage.

    Yeah, stores here have been requesting payment by card, if possible (but most still accept coins)

    If he shows up with $180 worth of loose nickels, it's legally the
    same
    as not trying to pay the ticket at all.

    Sort of like the guy who got his final paycheck from his job in pennies (along with a vulgar note).

    Never heard of this one.

    If Ui was mad enough & had lots of time I didn't value, I could go in with 25 pennies(umm, nope, no pennies in Canada), 20 nickels, 25
    dimes,
    20 quarters, 12 Loonies($1 coins), 25 Twonies($2 coins), dump it on
    the
    counter & say, "I'd like to make a partial payment please," & after I receive the updated statement/receipt, go to back of line & repeat
    with
    same set of loose, mixed coins! Until I get a "paid in full" receipt.

    Reminds me of the cartoon, where the elderly woman is going to make a deposit in pennies.

    Don't know it.

    Then there's O Henry's short story of the old country gent trying to open a bank account with a $53 cheque, whgo got ticked off during the process & said to refund all his money & close the account.

    The teller asked how he'd like the money(which bills).

    "In fifties."

    "& how would you like the $3?"

    "In threes!"

    There was a $3 bill, legal tender, long ago, in Utah. It failed.


    Q: How can the National Mint be so short on coins?
    A: It makes no cents.

    They are still talking about ending manufacturing of the pennies, and upping all prices to end in 5 or 0, with tax.

    We did this a while ago -- so much less change to tote around!

    I worked out that I could make about $20/year if I paid with 3 pennies every time the bill rounded to .98, & with debit if it was .02.

    Or vice versaq -- bsaically, so the rounding was always in my pocket somehow.

    But my timie's worth more than that.

    I also coujld've got unlimited free candy by going to the bulk candy shop & buying 2-3 jellybeans for 2c, rounding to $0.00 cost. & repeating over &
    over, until the owner, if smart, instituted a policy of 5c minimum purchase.

    Or the woman holding her purse open during a cloudy day, because she
    was expecting some change in the weather. <G>

    Worth a try. . .

    My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...
    Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

    Never mind Grandma Dynamite in an episode of The Flintstones.

    Refresh my memory, please?

    The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working,
    without
    explanation.
    It doesn't make any cents!

    Congress seems to have a lot of that, even though the country is
    trillions
    of dollars in debt.

    Yup, they do love to spend; our houses are the same. . .

    Did you hear about the coin shortage?
    Apparently, America is literally out of common cents!
    [is okay we have NONE in Canada any more]

    America can't be far behind.

    It only makes sense(but no cents)

    I chuckle when I remember that my coins aren't moist.
    It's my dry cents of humor

    If you leave them in your clothing and they get washed, they will be.

    That's not what they mean by "money laundering"

    I saw a ham radio cartoon, where the woman was in front of the wishing well, wanting to be "irrestible to men". She got changed into a top of
    the line ham radio rig. <G>

    Could've become a roast beef sandwich, or a triple BBQ burger!

    > The only change now seems to be with underwear....because change is
    inevitable, except from vending machines.

    Man ordered a hot dog from a Coney Island Philosopher's Hot Dog cart by
    asking, "Make me one with everything."

    He paid with a $20 bill. Not receiving money back, he asked for his change.

    The cart man replied, "Change must come from within."

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Sun Apr 4 13:19:00 2021
    George,

    Like guy who the waden said he'd release him early if he helped refit his(warden's) kitchen, as the guy was a detail carpenter.

    Con said, "No way, sir, counterfitting's what got me in here in the
    first place!"

    Touche'.

    Yeah, stores here have been requesting payment by card, if possible
    (but most still accept coins)

    I usually just pay with the debit card.

    Sort of like the guy who got his final paycheck from his job in pennies (along with a vulgar note).

    Never heard of this one.

    It has been on the FoxNews website at times.

    Reminds me of the cartoon, where the elderly woman is going to make a deposit in pennies.

    Don't know it.

    It was about the woman telling her husband that "you thought YOU had a
    rough day".

    There was a $3 bill, legal tender, long ago, in Utah. It failed.

    There was a $2 bill years ago...I still have the one my late father
    gave me.

    They are still talking about ending manufacturing of the pennies, and upping all prices to end in 5 or 0, with tax.

    We did this a while ago -- so much less change to tote around!

    I like to have a small pouch/coin purse for my change...although I
    normally don't carry that much change with me.

    My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...
    Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

    Never mind penniless.

    Never mind Grandma Dynamite in an episode of The Flintstones.

    Refresh my memory, please?

    She went and robbed the banks, and changed the assets to what she had left...63 cents. At the end, they thought it was Wilma's Mother-In-Law
    who was the guilty party.

    Yup, they do love to spend; our houses are the same. . .

    Both parties accuse the other of "tax and spend". Talk about the pot
    calling the kettle black.

    If you leave them in your clothing and they get washed, they will be.

    That's not what they mean by "money laundering".

    Really.

    I saw a ham radio cartoon, where the woman was in front of the wishing well, wanting to be "irrestible to men". She got changed into a top of
    the line ham radio rig. <G>

    Could've become a roast beef sandwich, or a triple BBQ burger!

    That works, too. I need to stop answering messages and go eat!!

    Man ordered a hot dog from a Coney Island Philosopher's Hot Dog cart by asking, "Make me one with everything."

    He paid with a $20 bill. Not receiving money back, he asked for his change.

    The cart man replied, "Change must come from within."

    LOL!! Good one!!

    Daryl

    ... Does "MNP-5" mean "Modem needs a 5 topping pizza"??
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Mon Apr 5 14:00:02 2021
    Yeah, stores here have been requesting payment by card, if possible (but most still accept coins)

    I usually just pay with the debit card.

    I do when I can, but if I only have cash (like if I take out some of my stock sales from the other bank in cash (they charge me $2 per transcation, so Interac debit's out for me) I'll use it.


    > GP> There was a $3 bill, legal tender, long ago, in Utah. It failed.

    There was a $2 bill years ago...I still have the one my late father
    gave me.

    The US $2 bill is still issued & is legal tender.

    The gift shop at Monticello makes a point of including one in your change whenever possible. (I'm guessing Jefferson is on the $2 bill)

    People stopped using $2 billsd because the church said they were evil, as
    that was the typical bill used for horse racing bets.

    Same up here; in the prairies & the east provinces, you'd not see them, bu
    here in BC, they were common (anytime yourchange was 2, 3 or $4-something,
    you got $2 bill(s) in your change. Now, ity's a $2 coin only & they're
    treated like quarters (no biggie, just heavy if you collect too many in your pocket, especially as the $1 is also a coin)

    They are still talking about ending manufacturing of the pennies, and upping all prices to end in 5 or 0, with tax.

    We did this a while ago -- so much less change to tote around!

    I like to have a small pouch/coin purse for my change...although I normally don't carry that much change with me.

    I had a wonderful little change purse -- easy one-handed action, but that dollar store shut down now. . . (high rises going in there; the crappy strip mall sold for over $20M); I give my $2 & $1 coinms to the homeless when I see them.

    > > Never mind Grandma Dynamite in an episode of The Flintstones.

    Refresh my memory, please?

    She went and robbed the banks, and changed the assets to what she had left...63 cents. At the end, they thought it was Wilma's Mother-In-Law
    who was the guilty party.

    I dont recall that one; just the one where the 'old lady' was printing money
    & hired another iold lady (Wilma, in costume) to be her assistant & go buy things, always with $100 bills (laundering the funny money the hard way)

    Yup, they do love to spend; our houses are the same. . .

    Both parties accuse the other of "tax and spend". Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

    You know itZ1 If you get to be age 30 & don't understand this, you shouldn't
    be allowed to vote, I say!

    Mark Twain said it best: "It doesn't matter who you vote for, the "Damned Government" gets in anyway!

    That works, too. I need to stop answering messages and go eat!!

    My son just brought up my lunch. (my daughter had just gone to McD to pick up lunces for all)

    I'm almost done my mocha, then lunch is over. (my 2-hour work day finished at noon)


    ... Does "MNP-5" mean "Modem needs a 5 topping pizza"??

    Works for me! But I prefer "modemmer" as my modem doesn't eat pizza, but I
    do!

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Sun May 9 16:33:10 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    If you especially like one, post another yuou like; if you especially don't like one, plost an example of what you'd prefer. . . :)

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're not an email mate, I will automatically charge your credit card that
    we have on file for the usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."

    -= 2 =-
    The late night/etc. quotes:

    "Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce
    by about 15 percent. That's right, for the first time ever, chocolate is
    giving up people for Lent." -Seth Meyers

    "A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the
    difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of questions,
    like: What kind of babies have enemies?" -Jimmy Fallon

    "According to a new study, having sex in a hot tub could cause infections and rashes. Though if you're the kind of person who has sex in hot tubs, you probably brought a couple with you." -Seth Meyers

    "A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide." -Seth Meyers

    "YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo's live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to
    say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is too sexy, the problem is you." -James Corden

    -= 3 =-
    There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

    "Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?"

    "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

    Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The
    farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole
    grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?"

    "Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair
    that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

    Finally, another man came in and asked the same question.

    The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want."

    -= 4 =-
    Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

    -= 5 =-
    Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently
    died.

    "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

    Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

    -= 6 =-
    Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me
    which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

    Mary stands up, blushing. "Mrs. Samson, I don't think you should be asking those kinds of questions," she says. "I'm going to tell the principal and tonight I'm going to tell my parents. We shouldn't be discussing this kind of thing in class."

    Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks if anyone else in class can answer the question. This time Sam raises his hand. "The answer is the pupil of the human eye, Mrs. Sampson."

    "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary,
    I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

    -= 7 =-
    ~#~ H/T to Daryl Stout in Fido's FUNNY for this set ~#~

    Famous Last Words
    Daryl Stout

    FAMOUS LAST WORDS

    "I know good mushrooms when I see them!"

    "Don't worry, the ones that bark a lot don't bite."

    "Bungee jumping is perfectly safe. Here, I'll show you."

    "What do you mean 'Godzilla's at the door'?"

    "Of course it's safe!"

    "Is this gun loaded?"

    "Hah, this curve is easy to drive through."

    "What does 'Reactor-Overload imminent' mean?"

    "How deep is this chasm?"

    "There is no quicksand here."

    "Yeah, that's right. I use a steel-cable to bungee-jump."

    "Don't worry, you missed that plane by a mile."

    "Why is this Toxic waste barrel bulging so much?"

    "I fixed the brakes on this baby myself."

    "Don't worry, I took gun safety"

    "What's this button?"

    "So, do you think the gorilla is sleeping or dead?"

    "You dare me?"

    "I think there's a world market for about 5 computers."
    Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)

    "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
    Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

    "This fellow Charles Lindburg will never make it. He's doomed."
    Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast

    "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
    Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
    (five days before the Crash of 1929)

    "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

    "God himself could not sink this ship."
    Anonymous Titanic Deck Hand

    "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
    advances."

    "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
    Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Patent Office, 1899.

    "Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

    'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
    from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
    popular holidays for the late 1960's

    'ALL THE PASSENGERS ARE SAFE' - Lancashire Evening Post
    headline on their report of the Titanic sinking.

    'Television won't last. Its a flash in the pan' - Mary
    Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.

    'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh
    in Canada 1965. They went on to produce five albums and
    eleven singles, most of which got to number One.

    'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society,
    1890-5.

    'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible' - Lord Kelvin.
    President of the Royal Society,1890-5.

    'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal
    Society, 1890-5.

    "About this 'Liberty or Death' business, Mr. Henry. Isn't there some
    reasonable position in between?"

    # Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

    -= 8 =-
    One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had
    gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

    His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

    This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

    The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a
    Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

    He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.

    Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

    -= 9 =-
    Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

    Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

    Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
    stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

    Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

    "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

    -= 10 =-
    A woman of undisclosed hgair colour is walking down the street, with her
    blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

    As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you
    for indecent exposure?"

    She says, "Why, officer?"

    "Well, your breast is hanging out."

    She looks down and says, "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Wed May 12 19:53:00 2021
    George,

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're not an email mate, I will automatically charge your
    credit card that we have on file for the usual $19.00 cancelation fee!
    ;)

    You forgot the fee for whining and complaining. <G>

    -= 1 =-
    "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."

    Good cluck to both of them?? <G>

    -= 2 =-
    The late night/etc. quotes:

    "Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That's right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent." -Seth Meyers

    There was a jingle awhile back that noted "Nestle's makes the very
    best chocolate". I'm sure Hershey had something to say about that. Or,
    like the late Red Skelton noted, the various types of sneezes:

    1) The chocolate bar sneeze: Hershey
    2) The inquisitive sneeze: Who's She?
    3) The samaurai sneeze: Kanitcheewah (sp?).

    He then said "For the next one, the folks on the front rows may need
    to move back a bit"...at which point, everyone in the orchestra pit
    opened up an umbrella. <G>

    "A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of
    questions, like: What kind of babies have enemies?" -Jimmy Fallon

    Good question.

    "According to a new study, having sex in a hot tub could cause
    infections and rashes. Though if you're the kind of person who has sex
    in hot tubs, you probably brought a couple with you." -Seth Meyers

    So, it'd be a "Jac-off-cuzzi"?? :P

    "A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest
    her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so
    much for the victims of her double homicide." -Seth Meyers

    I would say not.

    "YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo's live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I
    just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is too sexy, the problem is you." -James Corden

    You got that right.

    There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm
    and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

    <snip!>

    The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well,
    I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they
    want."

    Sort of like the chicken crossing the road to buy eggs from the grocery store, so the owners won't think she has gone into "henopause". :P

    Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times
    ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

    But, in blackjack, you're busted at twenty-two.

    Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had
    recently died.

    "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

    Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

    Or like the one where the girl is crying as she is burying her goldfish inside this huge shoebox. When asked by the neighbor why she used such a
    big box for a tiny goldfish, the girl replied "because it's inside your
    cat".

    "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear
    one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

    I heard of one little boy going around, bragging that "I have 2 tallywhackers". A man observing this quipped "He's going to make some
    girl happy". :P

    FAMOUS LAST WORDS

    "I know good mushrooms when I see them!"

    I thought a mush room was where the babies were fed.

    "Don't worry, the ones that bark a lot don't bite."

    Or the guy asks "does your dog bite?". When told "no" by the person
    walking the dog, the guy puts his hand out, and the dog bites him.
    The guy said "I thought you said your dog didn't bite", and was told
    "That's not my dog".

    "Bungee jumping is perfectly safe. Here, I'll show you."

    Must've used inferior rope.

    "What do you mean 'Godzilla's at the door'?"

    King Kong was busy.

    "Of course it's safe!"

    Somebody tore off the warning label.

    "Is this gun loaded?"

    Pull the trigger and see.

    "Hah, this curve is easy to drive through."

    Depends on how fast you're going.

    "What does 'Reactor-Overload imminent' mean?"

    It means you're about to glow in the dark, but you'll never know it.

    "How deep is this chasm?"

    Take a jump and see.

    "There is no quicksand here."

    It's only slow on a bad day/

    "Yeah, that's right. I use a steel-cable to bungee-jump."

    Be careful where that cable comes in contact with you.

    "Don't worry, you missed that plane by a mile."

    You can catch the next flight.

    "Why is this Toxic waste barrel bulging so much?"

    The barrel is breaking down??

    "I fixed the brakes on this baby myself."

    Throw a 10 cent piece in front of it, and it'll stop on a dime.

    "Don't worry, I took gun safety"

    And, it took your intelligence away.

    "What's this button?"

    Depends on the color.

    "So, do you think the gorilla is sleeping or dead?"

    Bother him and find out.

    "You dare me?"

    No, but if you're dumb enough...

    "I think there's a world market for about 5 computers."
    Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)

    Itty Bitty Mind.

    "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
    Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

    That diagnosis blew up on him.

    "This fellow Charles Lindburg will never make it. He's doomed."
    Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast

    His spirit went further than St. Louis.

    "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
    Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
    (five days before the Crash of 1929)

    Just like any overinflated balloon, it'll burst someday.

    "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

    Probably thought the idea would never take flight in battle.

    "God himself could not sink this ship."
    Anonymous Titanic Deck Hand

    Voice From The Heavens: "Is That Your Final Answer??".

    "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."

    The only moon one usually reaches is if they're reaching out to touch someone's butt cheeks.

    "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
    Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Patent Office, 1899.

    Then, why is the patent office still in business??

    "Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

    Safe to say he was trunk-ated. <G>

    'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
    from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
    popular holidays for the late 1960's

    Things did get rather drafty.

    'ALL THE PASSENGERS ARE SAFE' - Lancashire Evening Post
    headline on their report of the Titanic sinking.

    They didn't count the available lifeboats.

    'Television won't last. Its a flash in the pan' - Mary
    Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.

    Amazing how it has changed from back then.

    'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh
    in Canada 1965. They went on to produce five albums and
    eleven singles, most of which got to number One.

    There was a 45 rpm record years ago, a compilation of their
    tunes, as an interview...entitled "Beatlemania".

    'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1890-5.

    Amateur radio was around before KDKA.

    'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible' - Lord Kelvin.
    President of the Royal Society,1890-5.

    He never rode the Hindenberg.

    'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1890-5.

    I guess the other 25 letters didn't sound right.

    "About this 'Liberty or Death' business, Mr. Henry. Isn't there some reasonable position in between?"

    Only if you're a contortionist.

    Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it
    really?"

    Some are still trying to figure it out.

    "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
    obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

    Never mind Out Behind The Barn.

    As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
    When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I
    could cite you for indecent exposure?"

    She says, "Why, officer?"

    "Well, your breast is hanging out."

    She looks down and says, "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

    Oops.

    Daryl

    ... At a nudist wedding, you can always tell who the best man is.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Sun May 16 11:45:58 2021
    just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you
    Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

    But, in blackjack, you're busted at twenty-two.

    I think the trick is to never get to 22! The goal is 21 so if you always get to 21 you'll always win, until they kick you out of he casino, then every casino.

    Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died.

    "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in
    Heaven
    right now, having a grand old time with God."

    Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead
    dog?"

    I wiosh people would stop making up styupd storiers or kids that teach the a mockery of God.

    Or like the one where the girl is crying as she is burying her goldfish inside this huge shoebox. When asked by the neighbor why she used such a
    big box for a tiny goldfish, the girl replied "because it's inside your cat".

    I recall the girl using a gratuitive intensive(a 9th part of speech that I've coined) before "cat."; possibly a homophonic synonym for weir.


    'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
    from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
    popular holidays for the late 1960's

    Things did get rather drafty.

    BWAHAHA!! I've met so many people of acertain age who were posted in Canada
    for their Vietnam tour. Good folk, too.

    > GP> 'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh
    in Canada 1965. They went on to produce five albums and
    eleven singles, most of which got to number One.

    There was a 45 rpm record years ago, a compilation of their
    tunes, as an interview...entitled "Beatlemania".

    There's an album out of Elvis' pre-set & between set mumblings, jokes, & goofinig. . . Mostly it's him flirting with hot girls in the front row.

    'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1890-5.

    Amateur radio was around before KDKA.

    What is KDKA?

    'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1890-5.

    I guess the other 25 letters didn't sound right.

    Sone wag said he felt really sorry for those who tested Preperations A
    through G.

    ... At a nudist wedding, you can always tell who the best man is.

    The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to have more violence and nudity
    It's going to be rated "Arrr..."

    My friend was arrested for public nudity...
    ...but the charges were thrown out of court because of a lack of material evidence.

    There was a court case on public nudity but don't worry
    The case was clothed

    Q: How do you spot the blind man on a nude beach?
    A: It's not hard.

    Q: What do you call a nude artist who keeps drawing butt picture?
    A: A crack addict.

    My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.
    I personally am on the fence

    Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
    A: He has sesame seed buns

    Headline: NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
    It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
    His name is Torehis Sackov

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Sun May 16 18:34:00 2021
    George,

    What is KDKA?

    The first US broadcast radio station in Pennsylvania.

    Sone wag said he felt really sorry for those who tested Preperations A through G.

    Never mind 6-Up.

    The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to have more violence
    and nudity
    It's going to be rated "Arrr..."

    That's nudity on the bounty. :P

    My friend was arrested for public nudity...
    ...but the charges were thrown out of court because of a lack of
    material evidence.

    The wife told her husband if he had dropped his pants and underwear
    at the administrative law judge hearing, they would've granted disability
    right there. :P

    There was a court case on public nudity but don't worry
    The case was clothed

    In cold areas, nudist colonies are clothed for the winter.

    Q: How do you spot the blind man on a nude beach?
    A: It's not hard.

    Maybe he's just very impotent.

    Q: What do you call a nude artist who keeps drawing butt picture?
    A: A crack addict.

    Dancing cheek to cheek.

    My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.
    I personally am on the fence

    This woman goes into the hope of her son and daughter-in-law for a
    visit, and is horrified to find her daughter-in-law, laying on the
    couch, naked as a jaybird, with romantic perfume and music in the air.
    She asks what's going on, and is told "This is my love dress. When my
    husband comes home after work, he can't resist me, and ravishes me".

    So, the woman tries it at home. Her husband walks in, sees her
    naked, and asked what's going on. When his wife replies "This is my
    love dress", her husband replied "It needs ironing, as it's all
    wrinkled. What's for dinner??".

    His funeral is next Tuesday. <G>

    Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
    A: He has sesame seed buns

    I don't want to know about the special sauce. :P

    Headline: NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
    It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
    His name is Torehis Sackov

    Now, I do need a pain pill. :P

    Daryl

    ... My name is Baud: James Baud.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Sun May 23 10:53:20 2021
    What is KDKA?

    The first US broadcast radio station in Pennsylvania.

    Yup, & their first broadcast day was on election day, so people could hear
    the resaults of the Cox-Harding race. It's still going today. . .


    Sone wag said he felt really sorry for those who tested Preperations
    A
    through G.

    Never mind 6-Up.

    I forgot about those. . . or "Lithiated Soda" was the non-commercial generic name -- meant for manic-depressives (those with bipolar disorder)

    The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to have more
    violence
    and nudity
    It's going to be rated "Arrr..."

    That's nudity on the bounty. :P

    A bounty of nudity works for me -- God created us naked & that's the natural way to be -- the clothing is just a symbol of shame.

    Those who are saved & have found their way back to His paths, are legit to
    live nude (where permitted, of course)

    My friend was arrested for public nudity...
    ...but the charges were thrown out of court because of a lack of material evidence.

    The wife told her husband if he had dropped his pants and underwear
    at the administrative law judge hearing, they would've granted disability right there. :P

    He thoght about it, but had forgotten by the time he got to the end of the lock, so just languished in a cell, awaiting his trial for Public Nudity.

    Sadlyl, his wife sdoscovered the neighbour didsn't have a 'disability
    problem' & won't be available to testify on his behalf.

    There was a court case on public nudity but don't worry
    The case was clothed

    In cold areas, nudist colonies are clothed for the winter.

    I looked it up(I'm "Curious George") & we do have a 24/7/365 nude colony here in Vancouver -- it's an indoor colony for some reason)

    There are a dozen plus in Florida, of course, all outdoor!

    This woman goes into the hope of her son and daughter-in-law for a
    visit, and is horrified to find her daughter-in-law, laying on the
    couch, naked as a jaybird, with romantic perfume and music in the air.
    She asks what's going on, and is told "This is my love dress. When my husband comes home after work, he can't resist me, and ravishes me".

    So, the woman tries it at home. Her husband walks in, sees her
    naked, and asked what's going on. When his wife replies "This is my
    love dress", her husband replied "It needs ironing, as it's all
    wrinkled. What's for dinner??".

    His funeral is next Tuesday.

    She gave the impression, a the funeral, she was flat-out devestated by his untimely death. .

    Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
    A: He has sesame seed buns

    I don't want to know about the special sauce. :P

    I figured -- you'll note, I kindly omitted that line. . . :D

    Headline: NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
    It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
    His name is Torehis Sackov

    Now, I do need a pain pill.

    Groan, I know. . .hope the pill helps. . pain sucks! I know! I have kidney stones & bad teeth!

    Q: Did you hear about the students complaining of aches and fatigue when they did math homework?
    A: They're calling it fibromyalgebra.

    It hurts me to say this....
    But, I have a sore throat.

    Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
    He was dead lifting.

    A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
    I can't believe it's not better.

    If you get hurt before you are 18, it’s just a minor injury.

    I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office
    It was a twerk place injury

    Q: Where is the worst place to drive when your wrist hurts?
    A: Carpool tunnel.

    When in a new relationship, does your stomach hurt because of the butterflies...
    Or the farts you hold in.

    They never told me that getting older mad eeverything hurt when you get out
    of bed
    I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up

    I once hurt myself while stacking up all my old National Geographics ...
    Now, I have back issues.

    Mickey Mouse was playing basketball & got an ACL injury.
    He went to the team doc & said, "Disney hurts."

    Ok, that's enough pain for today. . .

    Smile, or don't -- it's your day!

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Tue May 25 14:59:00 2021
    George,

    A bounty of nudity works for me -- God created us naked & that's the natural way to be -- the clothing is just a symbol of shame.

    Those who are saved & have found their way back to His paths, are legit
    to live nude (where permitted, of course)

    Such as a home, nudist camp, medical, or shower areas. With incontinence, it's better to sleep that way...you don't have to rush to get everything
    off before you get to the facilities.

    There are a dozen plus in Florida, of course, all outdoor!

    Overseas, especially in Europe, it's like "meh!" when it comes to nudity.

    Groan, I know. . .hope the pill helps. . pain sucks! I know! I have
    kidney stones & bad teeth!

    Ever since I started drinking iced tea exclusively, I've had zero
    kidney stones (I've probably jinxed myself now). But, tea is a diuretic...
    sort of a low grade form of Lasix. Yet, a cool sweet tea on a hot day is refreshing...just like a slice of cold watermelon.

    Q: Did you hear about the students complaining of aches and fatigue
    when they did math homework?
    A: They're calling it fibromyalgebra.

    It was numeric, as the old meric didn't compute.

    It hurts me to say this....
    But, I have a sore throat.

    There's medicine for that.

    A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
    I can't believe it's not better.

    You need to Parkay that elsewhere.

    If you get hurt before you are 18, it’s just a minor injury.

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery??

    I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office
    It was a twerk place injury

    It's cranial rectal syndome (head up butt)...the most common workplace injury.

    Q: Where is the worst place to drive when your wrist hurts?
    A: Carpool tunnel.

    Especially when the road is washed out.

    When in a new relationship, does your stomach hurt because of the butterflies...
    Or the farts you hold in.

    I saw a meme that captioned "sitting next to your crush, and trying
    not to fart".

    They never told me that getting older mad eeverything hurt when you get out of bed
    I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up

    Getting old is NOT for sissies.

    I once hurt myself while stacking up all my old National Geographics
    ... Now, I have back issues.

    That's the economy version of Playboy. <G>

    Mickey Mouse was playing basketball & got an ACL injury.
    He went to the team doc & said, "Disney hurts."

    And Datknee is next. Donald!! Duck!!

    Daryl

    ... Clones are people two.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Thu May 27 22:55:24 2021
    Those who are saved & have found their way back to His paths, are
    legit
    to live nude (where permitted, of course)

    Such as a home, nudist camp, medical, or shower areas. With
    incontinence,
    it's better to sleep that way...you don't have to rush to get everything
    off before you get to the facilities.

    Yup, plus I just don't want the hassle. . .

    Until my adult stepdaughter moved in, I'd gone 12 years hardly ever dressed (only if going out, or home support person in that day)

    Overseas, especially in Europe, it's like "meh!" when it comes to
    nudity.

    Yup.
    Someone asked an Australian MP: Why did England send America all their
    Puritans & then their murderers to Australia?
    The MP answered, "We won first choice."

    Ever since I started drinking iced tea exclusively, I've had zero
    kidney stones (I've probably jinxed myself now). But, tea is a diuretic... sort of a low grade form of Lasix. Yet, a cool sweet tea on a hot day is refreshing...just like a slice of cold watermelon.

    The sugar could cause crystals in your kidneys (& type 2 diabetes)

    My fave tea is a nice green tea called Jiaogulan ("Immortality Tea" in Chinese), but only direct from the farm --bought 500g brick last time. The
    tea shop at the mall charged $50 for 30g(1oz); we paid $20 for the 500!

    They'ree not available now, presumably because of covid. . .

    Mostly I drink mocha coffees (at home, using powdered mocha+instant coffee & the hot water in the cooler behind me, but I like the real espreesso version when I'm out)


    I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office
    It was a twerk place injury

    It's cranial rectal syndome (head up butt)...the most common workplace injury.

    Nort me -- my head stays out in the open -- I'd suffocate in there, if the poison gas(methane) didn't kill me first!

    They never told me that getting older made everything hurt when you
    get
    out of bed
    I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up

    Getting old is NOT for sissies.

    They get it, too -- it's a equal opportunity disabler!

    I once hurt myself while stacking up all my old National Geographics ... Now, I have back issues.

    That's the economy version of Playboy. <G>

    Yup, good ol' National Pornographic -- we rushed to the school library on the day the new issue arrived -- this was in grade 5 for me!

    Mickey Mouse was playing basketball & got an ACL injury.
    He went to the team doc & said, "Disney hurts."

    And Datknee is next. Donald!! Duck!!

    An old guy went tot he doctor becase his left knee hurt. The doctor dod a checkup, had him x-rayed & found nothng, dop he said, "I can only conclude,
    Mr. Smith, thsat your knee hurts because it's 80 year old."

    Gramps retorted, "Shows how little you doctors know -- my right knee is likewise 80 years old, but it don't hurt!"

    ... Clones are people two.

    Written by scifi author Dr. Isaac Asimov:
    (tune of "Home on the Range")

    Oh give me a clone
    A clone of my own
    With its Y chromosome chaged to X

    Then me & my clone
    Can sit around home
    & both think of nothing but sex

    My evil clone is trying to attack me.
    But I probably shouldn’t beat myself up over it.

    Q: What’s a clones favorite letter?
    A: W

    Me: "I'm going to clone myself"
    Dad: "that would be just like you".

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Fri May 28 12:56:00 2021
    George,

    Yup, plus I just don't want the hassle. . .

    Yeah, you don't want to have to laundry any more than necessary.

    Until my adult stepdaughter moved in, I'd gone 12 years hardly ever dressed (only if going out, or home support person in that day)

    Being home alone is where you can poop with the door open. <G>

    Someone asked an Australian MP: Why did England send America all their Puritans & then their murderers to Australia?
    The MP answered, "We won first choice."

    Really.

    The sugar could cause crystals in your kidneys (& type 2 diabetes)

    I'm pre-type 2 -- the A1C was 5.7 last September. But, since my clinic was closed from significant water damage from 2 back to back snowstorms this winter, and the time needed with the COVID-19 shots, I haven't had the full blood work or complete physical done. I've been trying to get the mess with
    the bathrooms fixed before I worry about that.

    Nort me -- my head stays out in the open -- I'd suffocate in there, if
    the poison gas(methane) didn't kill me first!

    Green haze risin', o'er the horizon. :P

    Getting old is NOT for sissies.

    They get it, too -- it's a equal opportunity disabler!

    That's what so many refuse to realize or accept.

    That's the economy version of Playboy. <G>

    Yup, good ol' National Pornographic -- we rushed to the school library
    on the day the new issue arrived -- this was in grade 5 for me!

    Or like in Mad Magazine years ago...there was a newsstand selling Playboy, and someone had used graffitti to make it read "If you enjoy self Play, boy this magazine will sure help". :P I saw where Larry Flynt, who started Hustler magazine, died recently.

    Gramps retorted, "Shows how little you doctors know -- my right knee is likewise 80 years old, but it don't hurt!"

    I'll bet he still had to pay the doctor $250.

    Written by scifi author Dr. Isaac Asimov:
    (tune of "Home on the Range")

    Darn...now a second tune in my head today. :P

    My evil clone is trying to attack me.
    But I probably shouldn’t beat myself up over it.

    Or the scientist who created a clone, but the creature was
    cussing, and getting the scientist in trouble. So the scientist
    pushed the creature out of a high rise window to his death.
    Unfortunately, his deed was seen, and he was arrested, tried,
    and convicted for "making an obscene clone fall". <G>

    Q: What’s a clones favorite letter?
    A: W

    UU is the redneck version. <G>

    Me: "I'm going to clone myself"
    Dad: "that would be just like you".

    Talk about an evil twin.

    Daryl

    ... I had a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Sun May 30 14:40:18 2021
    Being home alone is where you can poop with the door open. <G>

    Not me -- my childhod trainig wa thorough -- I auro close the door every
    time, & say excuse me after burping, even if I'm alone.

    I'm pre-type 2 -- the A1C was 5.7 last September. But, since my clinic
    was
    closed from significant water damage from 2 back to back snowstorms this winter, and the time needed with the COVID-19 shots, I haven't had the
    full
    blood work or complete physical done. I've been trying to get the mess
    with
    the bathrooms fixed before I worry about that.

    Gotta put health first, my friend. . .

    Nort me -- my head stays out in the open -- I'd suffocate in there,
    if
    the poison gas(methane) didn't kill me first!

    Green haze risin', o'er the horizon. :P

    The long lost 6th verse of your national anthem?

    Yup, good ol' National Pornographic -- we rushed to the school
    library
    on the day the new issue arrived -- this was in grade 5 for me!

    Or like in Mad Magazine years ago...there was a newsstand selling
    Playboy,
    and someone had used graffitti to make it read "If you enjoy self Play,
    boy
    this magazine will sure help". :P I saw where Larry Flynt, who started Hustler magazine, died recently.

    Larry Flynt really made the government realize that the Constitution has meaing, period!

    Someone shot him trying to stop his porn purveying career, but Larry still
    kept going.

    Gramps retorted, "Shows how little you doctors know -- my right knee
    is
    likewise 80 years old, but it don't hurt!"

    I'll bet he still had to pay the doctor $250.

    $250 is too much = I only pay $120 for a housecall in Florida! ($60 for a clinic visit)

    Been paying this for years!

    Q: What’s a clones favorite letter?
    A: W

    UU is the redneck version. <G>

    VV is the French redneck version (they call the letter double-V in their lamguage (double-ve pron. dooblay vuh)

    ... I had a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.


    Over quarantine I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
    I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!

    My neighbour with big boobs was gardening topless in their yard again...
    I just wish his wife would come out with him

    Q: How does Pacman do the gardening?
    A: With a weed waka waka waka

    I wanted to start gardening but I have a problem
    As far as seeds go, I haven't botany

    Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?
    I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April-2020 and I've grown bigger ever since

    After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening It's about Thyme.

    Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
    I tell them “it’s next to the sage”

    Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
    "A lemon tree, my dear Watson".

    I was heading to the department store to pick up some gardening supplies and
    my wife asked me to pick up one of those tangle free hoses.
    I guess she isn’t into the kinky stuff.

    A friend built an overhang to ensure his asparagus sectioni doesn't get too much sun or water at once, he calls it his "Awning of the cage of asparagus"

    Gardening question: Anyone know a good place to buy a fern?
    Asking for a frond.

    Someone should name their gardening shop "Plant Parenthood"

    Me and the hubby were doing some gardening and I said to him "we need a wood stake" (so we could stabilize a tomato plant) and he replied "first we gotta find a wooden cow"...good thing ur cute babe :)

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Wed Aug 25 16:49:00 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    A cute lil poem to start u off this issue:
    ~#~ via Margie Chant, Pastor and Evangelist, on Quora.com ~#~

    Whether you know someone your entire life or meeting just this once.

    Show them you are interested and do not be a dunce.

    It only takes you just a sec to greet them with a smile

    Do not use their same technique. Try another style.

    In these four words they'll see a friend and that's something they need too

    Show you care about other folks and ask,”How do you do?”.

    -= 2 =-
    QOTI (Quote of the issue):
    “Pych[iatric] Wards are like day cares for suicidal adolescents that hate God and love drugs.”
    --teenager Caroline Konstnar on YouTube

    -= 3 =-
    A friend sat a philosophy exam back in the 1970's. It had just one question, which was, "Is this a fair question?"

    Everybody groaned and set to work. My pal wrote one line and walked out.

    His answer was, "Is this a fair answer?"

    He passed.

    -= 4 =-
    Three bachelors were kidding their married friend.
    . . ."You've been married five years now, Daryl," said one, "and still no childeren? Is your wife" (and here he tried a very bad pun) "unbearable?"
    . . .Or," interjected another, "perhaps she's inconceivable?"
    . . ."Maybe she's, uh, impregnable," joked the third.
    . . .Daryl shook his head sadly. "No, boys, you're all wrong. She's insurmountable and inscrutable."

    -= 5 =-
    "Why do you take such an immediate dislike to people?"

    It saves time.

    -= 6 =-
    Q: Why don't chicken breasts have nipples?

    A: Because if you froze them they'd poke holes in the packaging.

    -= 7 =-
    Q: How do you know when there is a singer at your door?
    A: Because she can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

    -= 8 =-
    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

    Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to
    give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.

    The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

    The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

    The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys
    the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot
    that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

    Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

    “Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

    “Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

    “Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”

    -= 9 =-
    A hillbilly took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’
    pcture show in town.

    He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

    The hillbilly tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but
    the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the theater”.

    So, the hillbilly is sitting in his truck, stroking his duck, trying to
    think, and has an idea!

    He hides his duck down the bib of his overalls and goes and buys a ticket and sits down next to these two town girls with his duck hidden in his pants, and starts watching the movie.

    A few minutes later, one of the townie girls nudges the other, and says,
    “this guys got his cock out”.

    Her friend says “ignore him, you seen one, you’ve seen ’em all”.

    The first girl replies, “not like this one, it’s eating my popcorn”.

    -= 10 =-
    Q: What do you call a feathery farmyard bird that stares at a plate of
    lettuce and anchovies?
    A: Chicken sees a salad.

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Fri Oct 22 12:08:14 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    ~#~ from my Kiwi mate, the ICEMan:
    Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
    Student: "Meat!"
    Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
    Student: "Bacon!"
    Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
    Student: "Homework!"

    -= 2 =-
    Q: Humphrey Bogart once did a short movie on mathematics for Canada's national education ministry; what was its title?
    A: "Here's looking at Euclid."

    -= 3 =-
    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A
    boy, about 9, opened the door.

    "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

    "No, they went to town."

    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
    the other, and mumbling to himself.

    "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
    give Dad a message."

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
    your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy
    pregnant!!"

    The boy thought for a moment.

    "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for
    the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges
    for Howard."

    -= 4 =-
    When porn stars take off their clothes, they're actually getting dressed for work.

    -= 5 =-
    The 5 most dangerous questions women ask men

    http://bootstrike.com/LaughterHell/Love/love30.php

    -= 6 =-
    Many of you will remember Archie Campbell from Hee-Haw, and he was a regular at the Grand Old Oprey, Decades before 'Blue Collar Comedy', guys like Campbell and Grandpa Jones were selling the country comedy shtick to southern audiences.

    I'm not big on the Jeff Foxworthy and Cable Guy thing, but Archie Campbell is okay in my book. I dig that old school comedy delivery of punch line after punch line. I get bored of the modern day comedians' constant desire to shock and offend, their need to insert religious/political opinions, and their incessant self deprecation. There's something to be said for just a nice set up and delivery. I can do without the comedians' personal baggage - just give me the jokes asshole. Quit trying to be Bill Hicks.

    Here's a selection of jokes from Campbell's 1968 book Bedtime Stories for Adults. No need to worry about it being for adults, though - even by 1960's standards, it's absolutely filth free. Enjoy.



    Teacher- Jake is the world round or flat?
    Jake- My daddy says its crooked.

    A traveling salesman stopped at a country store and saw a man playing checkers with, of all things, a dog. After watching a few minutes he said, "I think that's the smartest dog I ever saw". The man said, "Oh he ain't so smart, I beat him three out of five".

    Joe- I passed by your house last night and saw you kissing your wife.
    Bill- Ha ha, the joke's on you, 1 wasn't even home last night.

    -= 7 =-
    If you liked that last batch, here's my favourite type from Archie: https://youtu.be/lpfJwUyONnc

    -= 8 =-
    One Hippopotami
    Allan Sherman
    One hippopotami cannot get on a bus,
    Because one hippopotami is two hippopotamus
    And if you have two goose, that makes one geese
    A pair of mouse is mice A pair of moose is meese

    A paranoia is a bunch of mental blocks
    And when Ben Casey meets Kildaire, that's called a paradox
    When two minks fall in love, with all their heart and soul,
    You'll find the plural of two minks is one mink stole

    Singulars and plurals are so different, bless my soul
    Has it ever occurred to you that the plural of half is whole?

    A bunch of tooth is teeth a group of foot is feet
    And two canaries make a pair, they call it a parakeet
    A paramecium is not a pair
    A parallelogram is just a crazy square

    Nobody knows just what a paraphernalia is
    And what is half a pair of scissors, but a single sciz?
    With someone you adore, if you should find romance,
    You'll pant, and pant once more, and that's a pair of pants!

    Source: LyricFind
    Songwriters: Busch Lou / Allan Sherman / Lou Busch

    Song version, with picture slide show:
    https://youtu.be/umlBrQoG6xk

    -= 9 =-
    Q: What magic spell does Harry Potter cast when he's constipated?
    A: Expoolianus!

    -= 10 =-
    An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
    He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

    At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

    On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

    "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

    MORAL: Not All Seniors Are Senile!

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Tue Nov 30 13:57:54 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    A young man has been experiencing pains in his abdomen so goes to visit his GP. After some tests the doctor says, I've got your results back and there's good news and bad news.

    Ok doc, give me the bad news first. The doc says I'm afraid you have an inoperable tumor in your bowel. It's terminal and you have around 3 years to live.

    Cripes, doc, and the good news?

    You also have Alzheimer's.

    -= 2 =-
    Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

    -= 3 =-
    Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
    Yup, he pasta way.
    We cannoli do so much
    His legacy will become a pizza history.
    He simply ran out of thyme.
    I know, I know... too cheesy!

    -= 4 =-
    Funny flight attendant
    https://youtu.be/1AE_hjOLDtU

    -= 5 =-
    1963 Camp Granada Song--Allan Shermam
    https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY

    -= 6 =-
    A 10-year-old girl asked her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

    The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderfruyl little seed. Daddy put it in the Earth and I took care of it ever single day.

    After a while, the seed begabn t o grow more & more leaves and in a few months it turned into a beautifo healthy plant.

    So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to wear a condom.

    -= 7 =-
    One rainy Halloween in an introvert's home:

    Friend1: What is that around your ankle?
    Friend2: A house arrest bracelet.
    F1: OMG! Why? What did you do?
    F2: Nothing. It's fake.
    F1: Why on earth would you wear a fake house arrest ankle bracelet?
    F2: Ask me if I want to go to a party tonight?
    F1: Umm, okayyy. Wanna go to a party tonight?
    F2: Can't. *points to ankle*

    -= 8 =-
    ~# via Facebook #~
    [InspireU] Portering Troubles

    I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert:
    “Some years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during rush hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired people who were deeply irritated with one another, with the world itself. Two men barked at each other about a shove that might or might not have been intentional. A pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat. Rage was in the air; no mercy would be found here.
    But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the intercom."Folks," he said, "I know you have had a rough day and you are frustrated. I can’t do anything about the weather or traffic, but here is what I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my hand to you. As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand, okay? Don’t take your problems home to your families tonight, just leave them with me. My route goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by there later, I will open the window and throw your troubles in the water."
    It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces gleamed with surprised delight. People who had been pretending for the past hour not to notice each other’s existence were suddenly grinning at each other like, is this guy serious?
    Oh, he was serious.
    At the next stop, just as promised, the driver reached out his hand, palm up, and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand just above his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm. Some people laughed as they did this, some teared up but everyone did it. The driver repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the next. All the way to the river.
    We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it is extra difficult to be a human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day that lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money, friends, faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the news, and you become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything seems cloaked in darkness. You long for the light but don’t know where to find it.
    But what if you are the light? What if you are the very agent of illumination that a dark situation begs for?. That’s what this bus driver taught me, that anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasn’t some big power player. He wasn’t a spiritual leader. He wasn’t some media-savvy influencer. He was a bus driver, one of society’s most invisible workers. But he possessed real power, and he used it beautifully for our benefit.
    When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in the face of the world’s troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What can I do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I can’t personally end all wars, or solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely different creatures. I definitely can’t control traffic. But I do have some influence on everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn each other’s name. "No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I believe this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated, one bright act of grace at a time, all the way to the river."~~
    ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

    -= 9 =-
    Allan Sherman's "Dad Hates the Beatles"

    https://youtu.be/Jj-2Tcuzy0I

    Where were you in this Beatles vs parent equation, in 1964 & onwards?

    -= 10 =-
    If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
    Here's a nice sampling:
    https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Tue Nov 30 22:10:00 2021
    George,

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
    cancelation fee! ;)

    A dime is a dollar with all the taxes taken out.

    -= 1 =-
    A young man has been experiencing pains in his abdomen so goes to visit his GP. After some tests the doctor says, I've got your results back
    and there's good news and bad news.

    Ok doc, give me the bad news first. The doc says I'm afraid you have an inoperable tumor in your bowel. It's terminal and you have around 3
    years to live.

    Cripes, doc, and the good news?

    You also have Alzheimer's.

    I like the one where these 2 Christians are die-hard baseball fans. They wonder if there is baseball in Heaven...so they figure whichever one dies first, they'd somehow get the word back to the one left behind.

    A few months later, one of them dies...but it's several weeks before he
    hears from his departed friend. He asked "What can you tell me??". His
    friend said "I've got good news, and I've got bad news".

    He said "Give me the good news first". He said there are gold bases, diamonds, everything, and no worry about getting your uniforms dirty.
    Plus, the concession stands have every holsum food and drink you could
    ever want".

    His friend replied "Well, that is good news. But, there can't be any
    bad news in Heaven"...to which he was told "they're going to call you
    to the bullpen in 30 seconds". <G>

    -= 2 =-
    Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

    It's more like arid zone-a in the dry heat.

    -= 3 =-
    Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
    Yup, he pasta way.
    We cannoli do so much
    His legacy will become a pizza history.
    He simply ran out of thyme.
    I know, I know... too cheesy!

    Hey, macaroni. <G>


    -= 4 =-
    Funny flight attendant
    https://youtu.be/1AE_hjOLDtU

    The ones for Southwest Airlines are an absolute scream. When
    I traveled, I preferred the train...but if I had to fly, I went
    Southwest Airlines.

    -= 5 =-
    1963 Camp Granada Song--Allan Shermam
    https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY

    Hello to your parents. :P

    -= 6 =-
    A 10-year-old girl asked her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

    The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time me and your daddy
    decided to plant a wonderfruyl little seed. Daddy put it in the Earth
    and I took care of it ever single day.

    After a while, the seed begabn t o grow more & more leaves and in a few months it turned into a beautifo healthy plant.

    So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to wear a condom.

    Would a puny prophylactic be known as a condom-minimum?? <G>

    -= 7 =-
    One rainy Halloween in an introvert's home:

    Friend1: What is that around your ankle?
    Friend2: A house arrest bracelet.
    F1: OMG! Why? What did you do?
    F2: Nothing. It's fake.
    F1: Why on earth would you wear a fake house arrest ankle bracelet?
    F2: Ask me if I want to go to a party tonight?
    F1: Umm, okayyy. Wanna go to a party tonight?
    F2: Can't. *points to ankle*

    Was he blonde??

    -= 8 =-
    ~# via Facebook #~
    [InspireU] Portering Troubles

    I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert:

    That was nice.

    -= 9 =-
    Allan Sherman's "Dad Hates the Beatles"

    https://youtu.be/Jj-2Tcuzy0I

    Ringo wasn't the Starr. <G>

    Where were you in this Beatles vs parent equation, in 1964 & onwards?

    I had a 45 RPM record years ago called "Beatlemania" with several
    clips of their songs, worked together in an interview.

    -= 10 =-
    If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim
    Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
    Here's a nice sampling:
    https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

    I'm too tired to do so tonight. I just finished the ham radio traffic nets...my eyes are burning...and my legs are cramping. So, as soon as I
    finish this QWK packet, I'm going to try to get some sleep.

    Daryl

    ... Never marry a tennis player; to them, love means nothing.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Wed Dec 1 10:14:36 2021
    -= 2 =-
    Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

    It's more like arid zone-a in the dry heat.

    The American Evangelical Missionis Society board was meeting & complaining how they've planted a church in every state except Arizona.

    They sent a deacon to go find out why it was so difficult.

    He reported back two months later, "Well, gentlemen; in t he winter it's so beautiful, Heaven holds no apeal, & in the summer, it's so hot, Hell holds no fear."

    If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
    Here's a nice sampling:
    https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

    I'm too tired to do so tonight. I just finished the ham radio traffic nets...my eyes are burning...and my legs are cramping. So, as soon as I finish this QWK packet, I'm going to try to get some sleep.

    Priorties, mate; Well, done!

    I bet he'll be your new favouritie in no time. . .

    Q: Why doesn't Arizona advertise?
    A: Because at 99¢ for a 24oz can the product sells itself!

    Arizona: I love you Dad
    Dad: I love you Tucson.

    Q: What’s the capital of Arizona?
    A: A

    I did an essay about Arizona and the Grand Canyon.
    My teacher only wanted the cliff notes though.

    Did you hear about the clown who lived in the desert?
    He had a dry sense of humor.

    After my girlfriend posted a picture of us at a Meteor Crater..
    (Me) "You spelled meteor wrong."
    (Her) "Did I really?"
    (Me) "Just joking, you spelled meteorite. "

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Wed Dec 8 13:29:52 2021
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    Fun fact for those going hiking in Bear Country
    If it’s brown lie down (play dead)
    If it’s black, fight back (self-explanatory)
    If it’s white, goodnight (You’re cooked)
    Fun Advice: don't. Watch them on NatGeo instead.

    -= 2 =-
    from the quotables:

    "New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'" -Jimmy Fallon

    "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

    "One of the winners of this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, 'I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away.'" -Jimmy Fallon

    "Just in time for Mother's Day, Dove is selling body wash in six different bottles, to represent the different shapes of women's bodies. Yep, it's being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your mom." -Jimmy Fallon

    -= 3 =-
    The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

    (1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

    (2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

    (3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

    (4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

    (5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

    -= 4 =-
    Two buddies were getting dressed in the locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.

    "How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

    The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

    -= 5 =-
    My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

    You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

    I'm still looking for a place to live.

    -= 6 =-
    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

    -= 7 =-
    Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?

    A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

    -= 8 =-
    I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

    One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

    I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"

    -= 9 =-
    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

    The man perks up.

    "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

    "Yes I have," says the man.

    "And has she helped you make a decision?"

    "Yes," says the man.

    "So what is it going to be?" asks the doctor.

    The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

    -= 10 =-
    When our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a 'swim call,' the chief boatswain noticed how nervous I was. "Don't worry," he assured me. "You are never more than three miles from land." Then he added, "Straight down."

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Thu Dec 9 05:05:00 2021
    George,

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    You asked for it. <G>

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
    cancelation fee! ;)

    It'd have to come in an IOU on a wooden nickel. <G>

    -= 1 =-

    Fun Advice: don't. Watch them on NatGeo instead.

    One bearly can get out of a grizzly situation. <G>

    -= 2 =-

    from the quotables:

    "New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely
    to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'"
    -Jimmy Fallon

    Revenge is a dish best served cold.

    "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
    for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

    The Bar Exam: How much tequila you can drink before you hit the floor.

    'I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away.'" -Jimmy Fallon

    I wonder if he can catch that spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

    Yep, it's being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your
    mom." -Jimmy Fallon

    Not to mention the aromatic scents with them. :P

    -= 3 =-

    The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of
    it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
    backwards.

    Practically...and you end up being sexy. <G>

    -= 4 =-

    "How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

    The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

    At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

    -= 5 =-

    I'm still looking for a place to live.

    He could've been making a one time visit to the funeral parlor. <G>

    -= 6 =-

    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

    Hairy had a little lot...it was white as snow. <G>

    -= 7 =-

    A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

    Practically. However, I saw a sign that noted this:

    Menstrual Cramps, Menopause, Mental Illness.

    Ever notice how all of our problems begin with MEN??

    (that was for the ladies <G>).

    -= 8 =-

    I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"

    According to Walter (Jeff Dunham's dummy), it's legal to whale hunt in Iceland. <G>

    -= 9 =-

    The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

    Never take anything for granite. <G>

    -= 10 =-

    "Straight down."

    Be sure to visit Davy Jones Locker for some good deals. <G>

    Daryl

    ... Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Fri Dec 10 09:25:04 2021
    George,

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    You asked for it. <G>

    Fair dinkum, mate.

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    It'd have to come in an IOU on a wooden nickel. <G>

    No idea where that expression began -- I'd say don't take a wooden cent or dime, too,. for that matter! Wooden dollars are okay, as paper money comes from. . wood! (mostly linen(flax), actually)

    "New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'" -Jimmy Fallon

    Revenge is a dish best served cold.

    or "scold" as the bullies are being schooled?

    "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

    The Bar Exam: How much tequila you can drink before you hit the floor.

    1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.

    "How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend. The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

    At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

    How do you know? & why are all these women leaving their underbritches behind, anyway?! If I'm undressed somewhere (e.g. pool), I certainly get redressed the same as I usually do -- with all compnents I started the day with, in their usual place. I've never arrived home after a day at the pool or beach, looking for my missing underwear!

    But maybe the tramp in above story was marking territory?

    According to Walter (Jeff Dunham's dummy), it's legal to whale hunt in Iceland. <G>

    I'm guessing he was explaining why je wanted to take his wife on a vacation to Iceland?

    The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

    Never take anything for granite. <G>

    I pacifically axed you not to use that pun, I'm sure. . .

    ... Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.

    If you lend somebody $20 & then never see them again, it was worth it.


    My love for my wife is like the national debt.
    It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.

    My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
    (I never accept money from a counter fitter.)

    Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing.
    If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank statement say "outstanding balance" below it?

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Sun Dec 12 00:37:00 2021
    George,


    You asked for it. <G>

    Fair dinkum, mate.

    I've got your fair dinkum right here. <G>

    No idea where that expression began -- I'd say don't take a wooden
    cent or dime, too,. for that matter! Wooden dollars are okay, as paper money comes from. . wood! (mostly linen(flax), actually)

    And, notice that doesn't apply to any other coinage??

    or "scold" as the bullies are being schooled?

    I'm sometimes wonder if the panhandlers are being schooled on how to
    beg at the traffic lights. I've seen them go off the corner, get into
    a fancy car (i.e. a Lexus), and drive off. I've heard of them pulling
    a gun on drivers, and they throw food on the ground. What they want is
    money for drugs and alcoholic beverages, if not sex with the hookers.

    1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.

    How many rounds of Jose Cuervo?? -- as the song goes.

    At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

    How do you know? & why are all these women leaving their underbritches behind, anyway?! If I'm undressed somewhere (e.g. pool), I certainly
    get redressed the same as I usually do -- with all compnents I started
    the day with, in their usual place. I've never arrived home after a day
    at the pool or beach, looking for my missing underwear!

    For me and my late wife, it was like the country song "I've got all the
    love a man could want, waiting for me at home". Now, if a member of the opposite sex gave us a hug or a kiss, we'd razz the crap out of each
    other. <G>

    I'm guessing he was explaining why je wanted to take his wife on a vacation to Iceland?

    Walter said they visited the volcanoes, and his wife kept saying to
    him "Stop trying to push me in!!". <G>

    I pacifically axed you not to use that pun, I'm sure. . .

    I've slept since then.

    If you lend somebody $20 & then never see them again, it was worth it.

    I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

    My love for my wife is like the national debt.
    It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.

    But, this is more beneficial. :)

    My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
    (I never accept money from a counter fitter.)

    It was a phony job, anyway.

    Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was
    a bad thing.
    If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank statement say "outstanding balance" below it?

    Exactly.

    Daryl

    ... She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Mon Dec 27 09:38:44 2021
    and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

    The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

    The old man continued, "For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've had in 20 years."

    The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

    "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

    "Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

    -= 4 =-
    We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

    -= 5 =-
    A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

    Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

    Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

    Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

    -= 6 =-
    A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

    "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

    The two Americans just stare at him.

    "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

    "Parlare Italiano?" No response.

    "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

    "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

    -= 7 =-
    ~#~ from my good mate, the ICE-Man:

    Arctic Ice Report:
    (Washington Post November '22)

    The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department from Consulate, at Bergen, Norway.

    Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.
    Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
    ********************
    I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global warning even back then.


    No doubt caused by Model T Ford emissions. [yeah, ALL those cars: 111.53 per 1,000 people; now 816/1K, & the Antarctic & its penhuins are stil there & still cold; funny, that!]

    -= 8 =-
    the NFL players are "taking a knee" as ifd they invented the concept.

    Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

    -= 9 =-

    In a recent magazine poll, readers established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters < or >. The following poem appeared recently in the magazine.

    The text of the poem follows:

    < > ! * ' ' #
    ^ " ` $ $ -
    ! * = @ $ _
    % * < > ~ # 4
    & [ ] . . /
    | { , , SYSTEM HALTED

    The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, as such:

    Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

    -= 10 =-
    Jews & Irish people -- not really that different. . .

    Both take their religion of birth either seriously or not at all.

    There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

    The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Mon Dec 27 20:37:20 2021
    Trying this again. . .

    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
    yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
    won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    If you're cold &/or depressed, enjoy some free laughs. . .

    -= 1 =-
    After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks a little odd, so she decides to do a
    DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

    Husband: What's up?

    Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

    Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital that night, you
    saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for
    you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the messy one there.

    -= 2 =-
    This issue's quotable quoters:

    "A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He
    broke the previous record of zero." -Conan O'Brien

    "A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after
    earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only
    thing we know is, work is bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

    [I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

    "The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you
    can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

    A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances.
    Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of
    marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

    "Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York,
    Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube.
    While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones."
    -Seth Meyers

    "Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest
    evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

    "Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to
    burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should
    save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock

    "You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says
    that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it's planning
    to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just
    vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

    "This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern
    Catholic marriages are worthless because couples don't always mean it when they say
    they'll love each other forever. And that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give
    a best man speech." -Jimmy Fallon

    "A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for
    comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

    -= 3 =-
    Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home
    one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're
    wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

    The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

    The old man continued, "For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but
    for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most
    romantic evening you've had in 20 years."

    The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her
    purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

    "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

    "Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

    -= 4 =-
    We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

    -= 5 =-
    A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of
    rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!"
    shouts one of the drunks.

    Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think
    they know who we are; show them your cross."

    Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little
    wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

    Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite
    innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

    -= 6 =-
    A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two
    Americans are waiting.

    "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

    The two Americans just stare at him.

    "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

    "Parlare Italiano?" No response.

    "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and
    says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

    "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

    -= 7 =-
    ~#~ from my good mate, the ICE-Man:

    Arctic Ice Report:
    (Washington Post November '22)

    The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the
    seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department from
    Consulate, at Bergen, Norway.

    Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate
    conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81
    degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very
    warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report
    continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few
    seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and
    smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal
    fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise
    and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
    ********************
    I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as
    reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global
    warning even back then.


    No doubt caused by Model T Ford emissions. [yeah, ALL those cars: 111.53 per 1,000 people; now 816/1K, & the Antarctic & its penhuins
    are stil there & still cold; funny, that!]

    -= 8 =-
    the NFL players are "taking a knee" as ifd they invented the concept.

    Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid
    Davis joke)

    -= 9 =-

    In a recent magazine poll, readers established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the
    angle-bracket characters < or >. The following poem appeared recently in the magazine.

    The text of the poem follows:

    < > ! * ' ' #
    ^ " ` $ $ -
    ! * = @ $ _
    % * < > ~ # 4
    & [ ] . . /
    | { , , SYSTEM HALTED

    The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, as such:

    Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

    -= 10 =-
    Jews & Irish people -- not really that different. . .

    Both take their religion of birth either seriously or not at all.

    There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

    The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Tue Dec 28 21:59:00 2021
    George,

    Trying this again. . .

    If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again.

    Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields <G>

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
    cancelation fee! ;)

    $19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? <g,d,r>

    Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital
    that night, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said:
    Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside,
    got a clean one and left the messy one there.

    Sounds like the one that Yakov Smirnoff told. He noted this "baby
    changing table" in the bathroom...so he said "you get to change the
    baby for another one"...then he added "I'll bet you never look at it
    that way". And of course, the whole room was roaring in laughter. <G>

    This issue's quotable quoters:

    "A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134
    times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan
    O'Brien

    Sounds like Denny Crum, one time Louisville basketball coach, who said something like "Our future lies ahead". What was your first clue?? :P

    "A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long
    at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is
    bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

    Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

    [I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

    And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

    "The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
    can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

    Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

    A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found
    out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

    [eye roll].

    "Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones." -Seth Meyers

    I saw where the 3G phone networks will be shutting down soon...and that eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
    upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
    around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
    ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
    and greatest item, is beyond me.

    "Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

    They were probably drunk as coots as well.

    "Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
    awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock

    Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

    "You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to
    Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

    Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
    the shower, naked as a jaybird.

    "This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples
    don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man speech." -Jimmy Fallon

    I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
    the blind man is...because it's not hard.

    "A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

    That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with emoticons.

    "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

    "Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

    Never mind rock around the cock. :P

    -= 4 =-
    We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
    yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone
    mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not
    hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the
    plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my
    feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat
    in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
    and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

    Semantics and details.

    -= 5 =-
    A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey,
    show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

    Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and
    says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

    Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls
    off!"

    Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

    Mother Superior announced at the convent that they had found a case
    of gonorrhea. One blonde says "Oh, Thank God!! I'm so sick of Chardonnay!!"

    "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
    him any good."

    In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
    getting around.

    I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global warning even back then.

    There was an episode of Bewitched or I Dream Of Jeannie, where this
    newspaper article was from their friends getting involved in all sorts
    of accidents. So, either Samantha or Jeannie are trying to get that from occurring...not realizing it was from an actual event 25 years ago.

    Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

    I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

    Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
    dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

    The new language.

    There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

    The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

    I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
    front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
    you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me,
    I'm Irish". :P

    Daryl

    ... A male dog is truly an S.O.B. -- and acts like one, too!
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Daryl Stout on Wed Dec 29 08:04:12 2021
    George,
    Trying this again. . .
    If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again.
    Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields <G>

    If at first you don't succeed. . .
    . . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . . then try doing it the way your wife told you to in the first place. . . . hide all evidence that you even tried.

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
    Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
    cancelation fee! ;)
    $19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? <g,d,r>

    Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119!

    Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital
    that night, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said:
    Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside,
    got a clean one and left the messy one there.
    Sounds like the one that Yakov Smirnoff told. He noted this "baby
    changing table" in the bathroom...so he said "you get to change the
    baby for another one"...then he added "I'll bet you never look at it
    that way". And of course, the whole room was roaring in laughter. <G>

    There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happened to him?

    This issue's quotable quoters:
    "A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134
    times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan
    O'Brien
    Sounds like Denny Crum, one time Louisville basketball coach, who said something like "Our future lies ahead". What was your first clue?? :P

    You ever have those people who say, "Here's a picture of me from when I was younger?"

    EVERY picture of you is from when you were younger! -- American Philosopher G. Carlin(RIP)

    "A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is
    bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long
    at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is
    bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon
    Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

    The original 4-letter bad word, I always say, sometimes.

    [I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]
    And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

    Most are.

    "The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
    can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
    laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes
    Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

    I have a bnice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. A new genre out now: Roast Battles.

    There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series.

    That's how I first asw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girl -- nt all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!)

    I saw where the 3G phone networks will be shutting down soon...and that eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
    upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
    around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
    ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
    and greatest item, is beyond me.

    It's simlpe: in the olden daze, the nobility(corporate CEOs in today's world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused, were executed as examples to the rest.

    Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the same purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower getting your money that way, for the modern nobility)

    So they poison the foods & meds the poor people take (execution, because they didn't produce enough to buy the better stuff)

    ALL the antidepressants covered by HMOs & socialist governments cause the takers to visualize themselves committing suicide. (true story: "suicidal ideation" usually not understood by those who even bother reading the monographs)

    "Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals.
    This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien
    They were probably drunk as coots as well.

    Beer goggles = satirical reference to being drunk (she looks better when youre drunk = the goggles are working)

    Or the guy who was at a bar drinking a long time.

    Every time the bartender would ask if he'd like another drink (triple bourbon, triple tequila as a chaser) the guy would lift a photo from his pocket, look at it & say, "Sure, I'm still good."

    Finally the bartendeer got achance to ask gimi what that was about.

    "It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk. Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done."

    "Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you
    and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
    awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you
    love." -Butch Hancock

    Might likewise work for Provo, Utah (home of DryBar comedy -- 100% clean standup; free on YouTube)

    Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

    Not in Lubbock, apparently!

    "You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that
    makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home
    while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to
    Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming;
    turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden
    Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
    the shower, naked as a jaybird.

    Not me -- no market for naked pics of this big ol' old guy! (oh, right, Rule 34, so maybe there is)

    "This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the
    majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples
    don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And
    that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man
    speech." -Jimmy Fallon
    I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
    the blind man is...because it's not hard.

    Is it easy to identify a blind guy at a nudist colony? . . .it's not hard.

    knock on door whjere the nuns were painting the room while nude, so as not to soil their habits.

    "Who is it?" one asked.
    "Blind guy."
    "She opened the door, figuring what harm.
    "Wow! Looking good, sisters. Where do you want these blinds?"

    "A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational
    skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying
    frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien
    That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with emoticons.

    Yup -- I used to colect & share lists, including putting my own down.

    |<+]:-{)} (the Cyberpopicon)

    I started signing as +-:-) until somneonepointed out that Popers wear a mitre & she showed me an example for asacii art: <+]. I had to agree & immediately updated my signatures. . .

    I later added the kippa(aka yarmulke) when I became Jewish to denote my recognition that God is always over me.

    "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
    "Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"
    Never mind rock around the cock. :P

    She wasn't wasting her time. . .

    cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say
    mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
    and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
    Semantics and details.

    are what make English so much fun -- Other olanguages borrow woreds; English chasers other languages down blind alleys, beat the cvrap out of them & rifle through their pockets loking for any loose particles or gerunds!

    In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
    getting around.

    As I've heard -- pretty ignorant, if you ask me, for stores to be operated in Spanish, when the nation is English(still the mahorty, by an ever slimmer margin)

    Here in Richmond, in the last two censuses (censi?) more than 50% of the residents are Chinese. But when _I_ try to claim minority benefits, I'm, apparently, an arsehole!

    Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding!
    (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)
    I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

    Nancy Kerrigan got the damaged knee, no? Thus Tanya took her out, via the knee?

    Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
    dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka
    waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
    Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!
    The new language.

    Nah, these were already well established in the '90s, when I first stole that one from this echo! *LOL* & I'll steal it again. . . I don't care! I'm a rebel!

    I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
    front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
    you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me,
    I'm Irish". :P

    I had 2 buttons:
    "Kiss me, I'm Irish" &, for those who would question my heritage: "Irish for a day"

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Wed Dec 29 23:18:00 2021
    George,

    If at first you don't succeed. . .
    . . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . . then try doing it the way your wife told you to in the first place. . . . hide
    all evidence that you even tried.

    The meme I liked was where this guy is confronted by "The Grim Reaper"
    on the street. He tells the poor soul "that fancy expensive item you had ordered was delivered to your home while your wife was at work, and she
    signed for it. Do you want to go home and face the music, or just come
    with me now??". <G>

    Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119!

    Or as Jerry Reed's song "Lord, Mister Ford", noted...

    "Well, I figured it up, and over a period of time, this $4000 car of
    mine cost $14,000 and 99 cents". <G>

    There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happened
    to him?

    I don't know...but he was originally from Russia, and he emigrated to the
    US. He had a show in Branson, at his own theatre...and it was all G-rated entertainment.

    You ever have those people who say, "Here's a picture of me from when I was younger?"

    Not that I can recall.

    EVERY picture of you is from when you were younger! -- American Philosopher G. Carlin(RIP)

    This is true. I've got a picture on my Facebook profile of our late
    parents, my brother and myself. It was Christmas Day, 1962...my brother
    had just turned 1, and I would turn 3 in March. I think my Mom and Dad
    were only 37 at the time...they were born 40 days apart...Mom was the
    older one...but she lived 12 1/2 years longer than my Dad.

    I have a nice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. A
    new genre out now: Roast Battles.

    There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series.

    I'm sure there are several on YouTube. It reminds me of a deal known
    as "The Curse Exchange".

    That's how I first saw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girl
    -- not all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!)

    Never heard of her.

    It's simple: in the olden daze, the nobility (corporate CEOs in today's world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant
    flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused, were executed as examples to the rest.

    I'm sorry I asked. :P

    Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the same purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower getting your money that way, for the modern nobility)

    Why does the saying "Don't lie, cheat, and steal!! The government hates competition!!" come to mind??

    So they poison the foods & meds the poor people take (execution,
    because they didn't produce enough to buy the better stuff)

    That's what they seem to be doing today with Covid-19...they're saying
    the unvaccinated are dying, but from what I've seen, it's the other way around.

    ALL the antidepressants covered by HMOs & socialist governments cause
    the takers to visualize themselves committing suicide. (true story: "suicidal ideation" usually not understood by those who even bother reading the monographs)

    I am reminded from the deal on "The Fat Bible", where mankind basically listened to Satan, and gorged himself with all the high fat and high cholesterol foods. The last 3 lines went like this:

    And, man went into cardiac arrest.

    And, God created quadruple bypass surgery.

    And, Satan created HMO's. <G>

    Beer goggles = satirical reference to being drunk (she looks better
    when youre drunk = the goggles are working)

    First time I've ever heard the term.

    "It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk.
    Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done."

    Wonder how long it took to get what he wanted.

    Not me -- no market for naked pics of this big ol' old guy! (oh, right, Rule 34, so maybe there is).

    Rule 1: The boss is always right.
    Rule 2: Whenever the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.

    "Who is it?" one asked.
    "Blind guy."
    "She opened the door, figuring what harm.
    "Wow! Looking good, sisters. Where do you want these blinds?"

    I've heard a variation of that...I'll bet that man got an eyefull!! <G>

    As I've heard -- pretty ignorant, if you ask me, for stores to be
    operated in Spanish, when the nation is English(still the majority, by
    an ever slimmer margin)

    I had Spanish in high school...but I don't know if I ever took it in
    college. I can read it, but I can't speak it, as it were.

    Nancy Kerrigan got the damaged knee, no? Thus Tanya took her out, via
    the knee?

    Or it was Tonya's boyfriend who did the dirty deed?? Whatever happend to
    all of them??

    Nah, these were already well established in the '90s, when I first
    stole that one from this echo! *LOL* & I'll steal it again. . . I
    don't care! I'm a rebel!

    Non-conformist. <G>

    I had 2 buttons:
    "Kiss me, I'm Irish" &, for those who would question my heritage:
    "Irish for a day"

    (rolling the R's) "Irish Irus in Dixie". <G>

    Daryl

    ... I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to Ron Lauzon on Thu Dec 30 12:24:00 2021
    Ron,

    If at first you don't succeed. . .
    . . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . .

    You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
    You need a parachute to go skydiving AGAIN.

    Duly noted. <G>

    And then there's Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.

    Just like Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall. <G>

    ... But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!

    Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P

    Daryl

    ... Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Daryl Stout on Sun Jan 2 08:36:38 2022
    George,
    Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P
    Sleep is for the BBS-modem-deprived. Real nerds monitor all echoes
    until the last message is replied to.
    But, I don't have room for my computer in the bathroom.

    Man up & upgrade to a tablet or mini tablet (widescreen smartphone)

    Q: What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom? A: Lou.

    Q: What do you call a bathroom line? A: A P.Q.

    Q: If youÆre Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in there?
    A: European

    Someone really did a number on the office bathroom. I got really upset until I realized I work from home and I am the only one home.

    When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, ôHa! ThatÆs not going to help!ö
    ôSure, it does.ö I said. ôItÆs the only way I can see the numbers.ö

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Fri Sep 2 10:18:32 2022
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.

    During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

    Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

    After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the little boy said, "I'm not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

    -= 2 =-
    QUOTABLES:

    "A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900 miles away in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons." -Seth Meyers

    "After residents in Birmingham complained about the terrible smell, New York City has agreed to stop sending railcars full of the city's excess sewage to a landfill in Alabama. Yeah, train cars filled with human waste and an unbearable smell--or, as that's called in New York, the subway." -James Corden

    "Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the 'Potato' button on my microwave." -Jimmy Kimmel

    "The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 percent." -Conan O'Brien

    "This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it." -Jimmy Fallon

    -= 3 =-
    This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

    He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."

    I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

    "No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

    -= 4 =-
    Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

    Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

    The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

    There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

    -= 5 =-
    "If you clean the receipts out of your purse or wallet and stack them all together, it makes a tiny book about why you're broke."

    -= 6 =-
    While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember, hug Daddy first, then the dog."

    -= 7 =-
    Caller: 'Hi, can you connect me with Jack?'

    Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

    Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

    Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

    -= 8 =-
    I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

    Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

    "Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

    -= 9 =-
    Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.

    One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"

    "Unicorns," came the surprising answer.

    Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do that?"

    "Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing that attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn comes up to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

    The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of 'em, but I've never seen one."

    The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."

    -= 10 =-
    A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

    Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?"

    "At Sunday school," the boy replied enthusiastically. "They got bowls of it!"

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Fri Sep 9 08:22:28 2022
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
    yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
    won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the
    legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man
    chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about
    you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
    there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come and
    the other time he fell asleep."

    -= 2 =-
    Ever have a day like this?

    "What the hell, Bob?! Why are you half naked on the golf course?"

    "& shoving your undershirt into a hole in the ground?"

    "Well, Jim, you told me to start by sticking my tee into the ground."

    -= 3 =-
    When I was younger, porn cost money and water was free.

    What happened?

    -= 4 =-
    I have learned from cows, hippos, and elephants that it is impossible to reduce weight by
    eating green grass, salads, and walking.

    -= 5 =-
    Honestly, I was so thirsty halfway through the night that I nearly choked on my husband's
    teeth.

    -= 6 =-
    Her: I wish I was my rich neighbour's daughter.

    Genie: You still have three wishes.

    Her: ...

    Genie: ...

    -= 7 =-
    I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I can remember when it was all farmland.

    -= 8 =-
    Cut flowers is Botanical Castration

    -= 9 =-
    Q: Why did the bookseller keep "Twilight" in the children's section? A: Because he'd already exceeded smoke emission maximums for his fireplace

    -= 10 =-
    `# Thank you, ICE-Man, for this one; #~

    Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me, go all the way
    with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
    trouble.

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Wed Oct 19 13:55:46 2022
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    ~# from the world-famous ICE-Man: #~

    The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix . He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
    'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons
    without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. Do you think
    the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?
    Do you think
    the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went? Do you think
    He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon? Nooooooo!
    This will get a smile out of you!
    The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

    -= 2 =-
    Also from ~# ICEMan @~

    Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

    -= 3 =-
    Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

    -= 4 =-
    Little bit of edgy today, for those who prefer their humour just SLIGHTLY on the blue side:

    Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

    My new favourite:
    Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A re-vulva

    In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

    -= 5 =-
    At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?"
    His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there."
    --John C. Miller
    RD Issue: July 1957

    -= 6 =-
    King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

    Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

    -= 7 =-
    Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

    -= 8 =-
    In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

    -= 9 =-
    Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

    I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

    -= 10 =-
    IÆve just joined a dating group for arsonists.

    ItÆs great; they send me new matches every day.

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Thu Oct 20 16:28:00 2022
    George,

    The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

    Directed by Jose' Jalapeno on a stick. <G>

    Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
    small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every
    day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

    Time is of the essence. <G>

    Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

    Life a fatally transmitted disease.

    Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

    Your punny days are numbered.

    My new favourite:
    Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
    re-vulva

    Never mind starting from scratch. :P

    In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

    I tell you what.

    -= 5 =-
    At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he
    asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?" His companion, a novice
    at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there." --John C. Miller
    RD Issue: July 1957

    Really.

    -= 6 =-
    King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth
    did.

    Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

    Check, mate. <G>

    -= 7 =-
    Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
    but the mirror wasn't working.

    Must've been made by ACME.

    -= 8 =-
    In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
    at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

    Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

    -= 9 =-
    Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

    I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

    It may take awhile either way.

    -= 10 =-
    I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.

    It's great; they send me new matches every day.

    Now, we know who's hot stuff.

    Daryl

    ... "Calvin, we will NOT have an anatomically correct snowman!" -Calvin's Mom === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Daryl Stout on Tue Nov 1 07:09:30 2022
    Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.
    Life a fatally transmitted disease.

    Life is a lethal STD.

    Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are
    non-binary
    Your punny days are numbered.

    So the Good Book says.

    My new favourite:
    Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
    re-vulva
    Never mind starting from scratch. :P

    Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

    In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand
    for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and
    describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)
    I tell you what.

    Yankee: What?
    Southerner: I just TOLD you.

    Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one
    space at a time.
    Check, mate. <G>

    He has a checkered past, some say.

    -= 7 =-
    Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
    but the mirror wasn't working.
    Must've been made by ACME.

    Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

    -= 8 =-
    In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
    at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
    Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

    Damned Japanese bugs!

    -= 9 =-
    Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.
    I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.
    It may take awhile either way.

    The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

    -= 10 =-
    I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.
    It's great; they send me new matches every day.
    Now, we know who's hot stuff.

    I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Fri Nov 25 08:37:14 2022
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    Two for the skin doctors:

    Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

    Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

    -= 2 =-
    Q: What has 10 eyes, 10 ears, 10 legs, 10 arms and 10 teeth? A: 5 meth addicts

    -= 3 =-
    During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with twitter.

    I nearly choked on my #brown.

    -= 4 =-
    My body's just ran out of magnesium.

    0mg!

    -= 5 =-
    ~# via J. Harris, in Fidonet's FUNNY #~

    "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June 1997

    -= 6 =-
    Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

    A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

    -= 7 =-
    A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

    The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

    The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

    -= 8 =-
    Two from Quora's "Jokes, Humour & Funny stories [lack of Oxford comma SIC]

    I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said ôOh, thatÆs cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?ö

    My neighbour said to his wife, ôThese crab paste sandwiches just donÆt taste right, where did you get the crab paste?ö And she said, ôFrom the chemistö ("from the pharmacy" elsewhere in the world)

    -= 9 =-
    Do you have ARADD (Age-Related Attention Deficit Disorder) like this guy?

    I needed to do the laundry,

    but then I realized I was out of detergent,

    so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was,

    and started checking pens for ink.

    When I went to toss all the junk,

    I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge.

    That's when I realized a juice jug had leaked so I needed to clean it up but when I went to grab a rag,

    I saw that the pantry closet was a nightmare so I started organizing it.

    And that's how I ended up on the floor looking at my old photo albums from 1990's and not doing laundry.

    -= 10 =-
    Q: What language does Santa Claus speak? A: Polish (as in North Polish)

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Daryl Stout on Fri Nov 25 08:45:58 2022
    If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
    what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower

    If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.

    If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off.
    If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.

    ... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??
    [true answer]
    It'll depend on the temperature of the mirror -- recent research suggests it's not the colour itself they adapt to, but the underlying colour.

    Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a reptile dysfunction

    A chameleon stole an apple once.
    It was caught red handed.

    You'd never find me wearing a chameleon costume.

    I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Sat Nov 26 06:03:00 2022
    George,


    If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it
    off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.

    Especially if when you sneeze, you go "Hee Haw". <G>

    If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off. If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.

    As Roger Rabbit said "If you don't have a sense of humor, you're better
    off dead".

    Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a
    reptile dysfunction

    That was what the alligator had when he couldn't chase and catch his
    prey as fast as he used to.

    A chameleon stole an apple once.
    It was caught red handed.

    But, did the apple change color.

    I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
    some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

    I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

    Daryl

    ... Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Sat Nov 26 06:04:00 2022
    George,

    Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey
    skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

    If his fanny is fantastic in what it does, does he have a smart ass??

    Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

    I'm trans-slender...I identify as skinny.

    My body's just ran out of magnesium.

    0mg!

    Go for vitamitavegamin - Lucille Ball's tonic. <G>

    "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin
    the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I
    owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June
    1997

    They probably do more than kiss now. :P

    Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

    A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

    That covers it. Would instructions for a hanging be known as noose
    paper??

    The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
    to you, that's the same as putting it in!

    That'll teach him a lesson!!

    I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said "Oh, that's cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?"

    I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
    deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with
    laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
    asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)

    Daryl

    ... I was up all night wondering where the sun went, but then it dawned on me. === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Daryl Stout on Wed Nov 30 10:14:26 2022
    A chameleon stole an apple once.
    It was caught red handed.
    But, did the apple change color.

    Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .

    I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
    some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said
    "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a
    lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"
    I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

    But not off-colour. . .

    Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.

    Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

    Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A: Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Daryl Stout on Wed Nov 30 10:22:52 2022
    I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
    deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
    asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)

    I love when my jokes or puns get secondary life. . .

    I'm a stinker; if asked to translate I'd likely have said, "Manure takes place" & keep on coming up with a new pair of synonyms until they clue in, or as is more usual, someone else gives it away! *at which I say, "Dammit, I could've got 3 more in before she got it!"

    I tend to always bushwhack when asked to translate my punny euphemisms, like, on hearing a bad person has left town, I'll say, "G.F.R." & translate it to just "Good riddance."

    This way they can't get offended, because only they supply the so-called offensive element.

    & when I tel one of these stuck up prigs to "get bent" & they are dumb enough to ask what that means, I say, "Imagine you don't just look & act like a hippo or rhino, but you smell like one in heat, & a male of the species is running towards you, & you have a wardrobe malfunction & are standing there, bent, with no clothes on. . . This is my thinking when I tell you to get bent. It's my new "Happy Place," picturing that scene.


    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Thu Dec 1 03:25:00 2022
    George,

    But, did the apple change color.

    Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .

    Plus, he was seeing red.

    I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

    But not off-colour. . .

    Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.

    That one stinks.

    Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

    Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
    When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
    be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
    known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P

    Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
    Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
    Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

    They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>

    Daryl

    ... JavaScript: Instructions on how to make a pot of coffee.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Daryl Stout on Sun Dec 4 14:37:46 2022
    Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.
    Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
    When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
    be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
    known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P

    Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour it was supposed to represent, eh?

    They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .

    Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
    Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
    Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".
    They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>

    Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched the language?

    I like the meme that plays on the oft-seen Chinese translation: "Simplified / Traditional" by saying:
    English:
    Traditional (UK flag)
    Simplified (US Flag)

    Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.

    Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.

    Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights

    Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting in a local pub.

    The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."

    "& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner

    "Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in a fight, I'll tell ya."

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:2320/33 to George Pope on Mon Dec 5 03:52:00 2022
    George,

    Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour
    it was supposed to represent, eh?

    The fluorescent lights caused the colors to fade.

    They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it
    was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .

    That is true.

    Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched
    the language?

    Pardon me, I speak doofus. <G>

    Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.

    One letter does make the difference.

    Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of
    warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.

    Everyone is entitled to my opinion. <G>

    Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights

    When someone talked about the Grinch messing with the Christmas gifts on
    a ham radio net last night, I growled "I resemble that remark". I said that
    I sent Santa a letter saying "Define Naughty"...he's skipping my place. <G>

    Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting
    in a local pub.

    The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."

    "& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner

    "Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in
    a fight, I'll tell ya."

    Thanks for the mammaries, it was the breast of times, for a titilating experience, just to get the booby prize, bra none. <G>

    It's Monday...time to be in a nether mood. <G>

    Daryl

    ... Bad Day: You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Fri Apr 7 13:04:28 2023
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
    yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
    won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    Q: What was the mathematical acorn's first word, twenty years after falling from his parent?
    A: Geometry ("Gee, I'm a tree!")

    -= 2 =-
    Funny clean comic; he hits the points just right -- beautiful timing throughout "I am an Idiot" -- Ken Davis full show https://youtu.be/PP-NdFvRBEI

    -= 3 =-
    Redd Foxx on why he likes women over the age of 40: They don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, & they're grateful as hell.

    -= 4 =-
    Some ethnic jokes reworded
    Shout out to Prime Minister Justin True-Dope of Canada Q: Did you hear about the politician Santa Claus? A: He showed up for Easter!
    Q: How many politicians do you need to shingle your roof? A: Just 9, if you slice them real thin
    & just one more. . .
    An Irishman, an Italian and a politician are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
    The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words.
    He says, 'I'm
    innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
    The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. I was
    hoping you would say
    something so that the family of the man that you killed, would have some closure'.
    They strap the Irishman into the chair, and the warden tells them to
    throw the switch.
    Nothing happens. The executioner wiggles the handle, throws the switch
    again, nothing.
    The warden comes down, and says, 'That was a million to one chance; but,
    you know the
    rules, you survived the execution, so you will now go free'.
    The Irishman is ecstatic, gets up shakes the warden's hand, and says,
    'See, I told you! God
    has saved me because I'm innocent! I will dedicate the rest of my life, to helping spread the
    word of god, I will only do good works from now on Thank you, sir, I'm very lucky to have had
    this second chance in life'.
    Then they walk the Italian in; again the warden asks if he has any final words.
    The Italian says, 'I'm an innocent; yoosa making a big mistake'.
    The warden shakes it off, and says, 'Yeah, I've heard that one
    before'.
    They strap him into the chair, and throw the switch. Again, nothing,
    again and again.
    The warden comes in, and says, 'This is amazing; this the second time in
    a row that this has
    happened; it has to be a billion to one chance. It must be a sign from god that you're telling
    the truth. I'm sorry I doubted you. You may go free'.
    The Italian gets up, joyful, tear in his eyes, and says, 'Thanka you
    thanka you thanka you!
    I'a wasa so ascared, anda yet, chance hasa smiled ona me! He gets up and leaves.
    Then they bring in the politician. The warden again asks, 'Do you have
    any final words?'
    The politician says, 'Yes. But first, look, that chair is unplugged'.

    -= 5 =-
    Got my sister's whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
    Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

    Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

    Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

    cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each
    other

    Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad

    Me: I'm a faux pas.

    -= 6 =-
    A Cyberpope original:

    Q: What's a duck's favourite actor? A: AFFLECK!

    -= 7 =-
    Q: What's the difference between coffee and urine? A: About 35 minutes

    -= 8 =-
    Responding to a Christian spouse that says, during an argument, "Let he who is without sin
    cast the first stone."

    Then you say, "Jesus is my Lord and I am SANCTIFIED!" as you crack them across the head
    with a 2-pound rock!

    -= 9 =-
    "A lot of sh** went between them; they were apart for a long time, but now they are back
    together."
    "Who, Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston?"
    "Nope, my butt cheeks."

    -= 10 =-
    Saw these ladies on Montreal's Just for Laughs this week & rather liked the tune & the silly
    funniness of the traditional English poem set to folk-y music: https://genius.com/Flo-and-joan-lady-in-the-woods-live-lyrics
    (scroll to bottom to find vid link or go to the YouTube vid: https://youtu.be/_EzdloMKkDg

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)